Living in the leaky-styrofoamed lap of luxury

This morning my exclusive second-floor establishment saw the delivery of not one, but two essential items for the modern chap: one combined television-DVD player, and one mattress.

Now, with these items of comfort lying before me, I don't think I have any excuse. It's time to hold an exclusive mattress-television party! Activities include: lazy lying, langurous leaning, lassitudinous lazing, louche lounging on pillows, and lazy loafing on lounges - all while watching daytime television. Preferably Oprah. And maybe repeats of A Country Practice as well. Guests will be entertained with servings of Panne a la Mildew (Italian, for day old toast); cups of tea from the finest bags this side of High Street; and jam, cream and butter scones without the scones. Wearing of day old stubble is encouraged (ladies especially); dramatic recitations from the Herald Sun television guide is compulsory.

Then again, maybe I won't hold that party after all. Do you know how expensive Panne a la Mildew is these days? I wouldn't want anyone else to hog it, after all.