Sunday, October 02, 2005

Eleven Answers to the Question, "Does My Bum Look Big In This"?

1. Yes.

2. No.

3. Might I remind you, my dear, that we are nudists. Consequently, your bottom is not in anything.

4. No, I think that skirt brings out all of your four buttocks perfectly.

5. I am unable to answer that question. Last month you caught me ogling Betty Squire's breasts, and superglued my eyes shut. I have been unable to see ever since.

6. You forget, love, that as a result of a rare tropical disease you contracted in our travel to Burma, your bottom spontaneously dropped away from your body last week, so it neither looks too big nor too small.

7. Please wait a minute whilst I call up your gay friend Ken and consult him for an answer.

8. Your bottom looks perfect, and I love the way it distracts the attention from your two noses.

9. While you were sleeping last night, I took the liberty of performing extremely dangerous experimental medical surgery on your buttocks, with the help of Dr. Goerins Home Surgery for Begginers. Now I am pleased to say that you actually have a pair of eyes in your posterior. Therefore, if you would just open those two eyes and look in the mirror, you will be able to answer the question yourself.

10. Oh, you look absolutely gorgeous in that, but don't you think that other dress matches your shoes perfectly?

11. Can I go now?


TimT said...

Now I am pleased to say that you actually have a pair of eyes in your posterior.

Of course, this only works if you detach her optical nerves from the pair of eyes in her face and attach them to the pair of eyes in her bottom. Otherwise, she wouldn't be able to see.

Remember to do this, or she might get angry with you.

Anonymous said...

that was hillarious.

TimT said...


Darlene said...

Tim, Tim, Tim.....there's no right answer to this question.

daisythelamb said...

I think another creative way to tackle this situation is to quickly make sure that the girl you're dating is a solipsist. This way you can remind her that nothing you say actually matters since you may not even exist. And then you can ask her how she'd answer her question so you can most accurately reflect your identity as a figment of her imagination.

p.s. I can't offer any guarantees for this one since there's no fucking way I'd fall for that but... run with it!!

rachy said...

There are certain girls who should not ask this question for obvious reasons, because as the old saying goes "ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer, but I guess the safest answer always is "looks fine to me" and then if the girls says "I didn't ask you THAT, I freaking well asked if it looked BIG," then there is always only one answer. No.

Then again, what do blokes do who have a fat fetish? What if a big bum makes you tingle and you can't tell your beloved as such?

curly said...

I do say, were a large bottomed Dame to ask a gentleman like myself such a question I would say no my love, but would you please join me in a bout of curling?

TimT said...

.... would you please join me in a bout of curling?

There's a curly one ....

TimT said...

I dare say Darlene and Rachy are right, this is a question with no right answer. It is one of those eternal paradoxes, like the question, 'Am I lying when I say "I am lying"?' or, 'Would I be able to go back in time and kill my mother before I was born?'

Thus, the bottom forms a mysterious cosmic nexus of time and space, rather like a black hole. Maybe in future years physicists will be able to study and harness the power of the bottom for the greater good of the human race.

TimT said...

There are just so many answers to this question, it's fascinating. Daisy's suggestion does sound excellent.

"I would like to posit an answer to the question, 'Does my bum look big in this'? by reference to the positivist philosophy of the 19th century.
I will divide my answer into three main points:
1) Do we exist?
2) Does your bottom exist?
3) Is there a quality of bigness or smallness that we may identify with your body in that dress? ..."

And so on.

Email: timhtrain - at -

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