1. The Fellowship of the Ring
An evil and not-very-nice-guy called Sauron
Shows that he isn't an absolute moron
By making an invisibility ring.
Some guy called Frodo gets hold of the thing,
Then along comes an old guy with a beard
Called Gandalf, and some other weird
Things that look like they were made by Jim Henson,
And a tall guy who looks like Viggo Mortennsen.
For a while everyone is happy,
Then Sauron gets crappy.
Sauron is dictator of a country called Mordor,
Which he keeps in a state of War and Disorder.
He decides to kill everyone,
Which they don't think sounds like fun.
So Gandalf and Frodo and all those other things
Decide that they have to get rid of the ring
By throwing it into a Really Big Hole
In the middle of Mordor, full of burning coal.
They all agree this sounds like a grand idea,
So they all drink a beer.
2. The Two Towers
Everyone is cold and not very well fed,
And the old guy called Gandalf turns out to be dead.
Frodo walks Frodo walks Frodo walks Frodo walks
Frodo walks Frodo walks Frodo walks Frodo walks
Frodo walks Frodo walks Frodo walks Frodo walks
Then is captured by orcs.
Meanwhile, a bunch of guys in the woods meet a talking tree
Who knows some poetry
And all go to make sure this naughty wizard called Saruman gets caught,
Along with Gandalf, who turns out to be less dead than everyone thought.
There's a jolly big battle and some people die
(But they're just small fry).
Frodo escapes from the Orcs but then
Is captured again
By a rather thirsty spider
Who wants to have some hobbit blood inside her,
And it's only thanks to his friend Sam
That he doesn't get turned into hobbit jam.
3. The Return of the King
The sun disappears, day turns into night
And there's a rather big fight.
Things look pretty bad,
And Pippin is sad.
It seems like Frodo is in danger of losing his soul,
So he throws his ring into the bloody big hole.
Then sun appears again, night turns into day,
And Sauron just kind of goes away.
Then everyone joins hands and they all sing a song
About, wouldn't-it-be-nice-if-we-all-got-along?
Then they all drink an ale,
And that's the end of the tale.
THE END
I'm thinking about reading this at the Pub Poets meet Saturday week in Carlton... anyone interested in coming?
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13 comments:
Fantastic, so I hate to quibble, hate to, but will anyway.
Should've had at least one line on Sam and Frodo's seriously unnatural relationship.
And, because he's such a pussy, Frodo doesn't throw the ring in. Pity no one threw Frodo in.
Not that any of this will stop me stealing it and sharing it with everyone :P
Please do, I love quibbles. I also think I got the chronology wrong - I think Gandalf doesn't get resurrected until Book 3. But hey, the rhymes didn't fit! (Now there's an excuse you don't hear every day ...)
with bells on... just e-mail me the details
I've never read the trilogy, and I've only seen the first movie, but that is one outright shithot piece of poetry
The part about "Viggo Mortennsen" is my favorite. In fact it is so good I might promote it to being my favourite.
It just wouldn't be the same without U, Vague!
I'm making sure of the details tonight. They usually have some guest poet later in the afternoon, and s/he is ALWAYS horrendous, so it might be wise to avoid that bit ...
or get drunk and laugh at them perhaps?
Definitely. You could've worked in something about Tom Bombadil, who was MERCIFULLY left out of the film.
Q: You have guys named Shannon in Oz? Do they get their asses kicked? What's that about? It's like those limeys who name their kids Evelyn. This would never happen in America. Of course, we have people who name their kids Homer...
Yeah, and also guys called Julian. As a matter of fact, a while back we all went crazy over a talentless popstar called Shannon Noll, who was second loser in a nationwide loser competition.
And I reckon it was David who did the asskicking ....
God, Simon Cowell is a plague from Hell. Can u have David take out Kelly Clarkson at the same time?
LOTR was superb, but I think maybe a little too long - a favourite pundit of mine dismissed it saying '3 hours is way to long for a movie about magical midgets', adding 'if I wanted to see dragons and hobbits any more, I'd go back to taking recreational drugs.'
It might have been hard to make any of that rhyme, though . . .
I think he'd be only too happy too, Jeff.
Steve, the films were excellent, much, much better than the books. Tolkien COULD write, but he somehow forgot to when he was producing the LOTR trilogy.
Are you, perchance, a Silmarilion man then?
The Hobbit - the tone is much lighter, the structure is better, the book is concise, and Tolkien's imagination is never fails.
Also, Tales from the Perilous Land, which has some poignant stories that show just how good a writer Tolkien could be. Incidentally, the story Leaf, by Niggle is an interesting self-portrait of Tolkien, the artist - the story is about a character called 'Niggle' who spends his entire life trying to paint a leaf exactly the way that he sees it in his vision.
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