Sunday, October 02, 2005

The Fable of the Hornet and the Woman

WARNING: If you have a sting in your tail, then this tale may sting.

Once upon a time, there was a hornet called Max. He was an exceptionally fine hornet, with a bold black and gold coat, and he was very well respected in the hornet community. But one day, he fell in love with a woman, and he became all undone.
It happened this way: Max was flying from his nest one day, doing hornetly things, when he happened to espy the woman coming from her house. He thought that she was the most beautiful human that he had ever seen, and he instantly fell in love with her. The woman, whose name was Sharon, had no idea that Max had fallen in love with her; which is a pity, because, being a hornet, Max was unable to tell her.

Max became moody and depressed, continually meditating upon this woman and how he could win her heart. "If only," he sighed to himself, "I could tell her how much she means to me!"
Being a naturally resourceful and intelligent hornet, Max found plenty of opportunities to bump into Sharon. Every morning, he would fly along, as if he were going to the hornet shops or just out to catch the air, and, quite coincidentally, meet her going in the other direction.
Unfortunately, she became sorely vexed at this, and before Max was able to wave at her, or grow vocal chords so that he could speak, she would wave her arms in the air and shout, 'Shoo! Ugh! Get out of my way, you bastard!'

Next, Max attempted to get in touch with her when she was in a more meditative mood, and took to sitting around her bedroom every evening. At 10.30 every night, she would go to bed, and Max would instantly buzz up to her pillow and attempt to wrap his hornetly hands around her nose, and exude pheromones into her nose, saying how much he loved her, and how he only wanted to be with her and to hold her.
Sadly, she quickly became even more annoyed at this than at Max's previous efforts, and started spraying her bedroom every night with Mortein.

Things came to a head one day in the hornet cafe where Max gathered occasionally to be with his hornet friends. Being hornets, they could not talk to one another, but they could dance, which they found was an exceedingly effective means of communication. When Max met with his friend hornets, he could not help himself any longer, but danced his hornetly heart out, telling them of the love he harboured for this woman, and how he desired to marry her and live with her for ever and ever.

Naturally, his friends were quite concerned at this. Phil, the Philosopher hornet got up after Max, and attempted to dissuade Max from this. "For," he said, "Hornets and humans were never meant to be together!"
But pirouette as he might, he could not discourage Max.
"Alas," sighed Max, "All I want to do is to be near to her, and to hold her!"

Next, up stood Max's friend, Steven the Scientist hornet. He argued long and persuasively that evolution had equipped humans and hornets to never be together; and that, indeed, hornets had not developed the necessary limbs and appendages to hold a human effectively.
But Max remained adamant. And so his friends, seeing that they could not discourage Max, decided that he must find some way of communicating his love to the woman.
Finally, Steve concocted a workable scheme.
"Every evening," he told Max, "this woman goes into her bathroom and has a shower. Then is the time to tell her. You merely have to take up the shampoo bottle, and spray the shampoo upon the wall of the shower, and write her a love letter. The hot air of the shower will turn the shampoo instantly into foam, which will suit your purpose quite well."
Max and Phil agreed that this was an excellent idea, and they settled upon this as a plan.

The next night, things happened exactly as Steve had said they would. Sharon came home from work, and immediately went into the shower stall and turned on the shower. Max, bold as ever, flew into the shower, careful that not a drop of that scalding water should touch his hornet coat, for then, he would surely die.
With great difficulty, he flew down to where the shampoo bottle was placed. Taking it up, he began to write upon the wall of the shower. It was very hard, as his muscles were only hornet sized, and not dragonfly-sized, but after a little while he began to get the hang of it.
Max was so engrossed in his task that he did not notice that the shower had been turned off. The letters:

i LOve yuo, SharoN. Would, you liev with em an

Had been spray painted upon the wall of the shower, and he was already exhausted, but he determined to press on.
Sadly, there was so much smoke in the shower that Sharon could not see any of this, but she certainly could hear him buzzing around in the shower with her.
"ARRRRGH!" she screamed. "It's you! Fuck off!"
And she began flailing around with her hands and arms and Max was squashed flat against the wall of the shower and he died.

However, years later, Max was reincarnated as an elephant, and he sat on Sharon and squashed her flat in turn. And he was very happy.

MORAL: It's not good to dwell upon your problems. But sometimes, if you sit on them for a while, they will just go away.


(For James Thurber)


TimT said...

There was an old man in a tree
Who was horribly bored by a wasp
When asked, 'does it buzz'?
He replied, 'No it doesn't!
'I'm so glad it wasn't a hornet!'

- W S Gilbert.

rachy said...

hilarious my friend, unless I won't be looking forward to my next shower...

rachy said...

unless. unless. unless! I meant alas

TimT said...


Inspired by a recent post from La Femme Melika -

Email: timhtrain - at -

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