Sunday, March 11, 2007

A New Lexicon For International Air Travellers

Jet lag: The most common aircraft illness. The body has difficulty adjusting itself to different time zones. An extreme case of jet lag occurred in 1977 when famed international aeronaut J P Botherskyte flew around the world five times, leaving his body five days in the past. He would have fallen into a coma there and then had he not had the presence of mind to fly backwards around the world, five times fast, by which time his body had caught back up with him.

Reverse jet lag: Occurs when you fly backwards too much. J P Botherskyte's arch-nemesis, Artilo Magniolosque, made the mistake of attempting to win the 'Flying Backwards Championships of 1988' by flying backwards around the world 365 TIMES! By that time his vbody had got so far ahead of him in the future that it decided to stay there. Magnilosque promptly crashed his plane in the Pacific Ocean, and if his body had been there it would undoubtedly have drowned.

Lug lag: Feeling one gets after heaving gigantic items of luggage around airports for extended spaces of time.

Claustrophobia: Fear of being in enclosed spaces - ie, fear of sitting in a seat that is just a little too short, small, and low to be comfortable. Usually justified.

Laustrophobia: 1) Fear that comes upon a person halfway over the Pacific Ocean - that the pilot has no idea where they are.
2) Same as 1), except the person who has that fear is the pilot.
3) Fear that one is about to become part of a bizarre television plot that increases in unlikelihood as the season progresses.

Bleughstrophobia: Fear of the dangers of regurgitation on long distance flights.

Cordonblestrophobia: Fear that the curious French-style foodstuffs given to you will come alive mid-flight, develop tentacles, and attempt to devour your brains, a la Alien. (Uncommon)

Cramputation: Effect caused by sitting in a seat that is a little too short, small, and low to be comfortable, resulting in loss of sensation to one's limbs after a long flight.

Metromania: Pathological dislike of cities, causing one to fly to extreme distances and politically-unstable Pacific Island economies to avoid them.

Tasmania: Pathological dislike of people called 'Tas', causing one to fly extreme distances (and to unlikely Australian states) to avoid them.


alexis said...

Ha! Y're funny. That aside, having lexicographical tendencies myself, I can't let "metromania" pass without observing that "metro" comes from the Greek for mother (hence "metropolis", "mother city") and that "mania" means excessive excitement. "Metromania", rather than being a fear of cities, should be an extravagant enthusiasm for mothers. Perhaps "politophobia"?

TimT said...

I'll take those suggestions on board, but 'politophobia' sounds like pathological fear of saying non-swear words.

Mark said...

Well, fuck, mate, how the fuck are you?

My wife wants to know if I've fucking heard from you. I told her, "Fuck, no. I think he's still in the fucking Big Apple.

Whew. Made it through all those fucking decent words, I did.

alexis said...

Nah, that would be "apornologophobia".

TimT said...

Mark, I'm not fucking bad mate - and what about your good fucking self?

Got back in Australia three days ago, on Friday morning, after an almost non-stop 24-hours in the air. I was dog-tired, and had to get through the rest of the day (it was 8.00 o'clock in the morning). I dropped out like a light when I went to bed, and I think carried the worst of the jet lag away with me.

Damn, I wish I was back in the Big Apple, though - not that I don't love Melbourne, but I'm not looking forward to getting back to work tomorrow. Four weeks holiday is not long enough!

Send my well wishes to P. and you have a good one! I've got some of the photos I took around San Francisco, Marin County and Sacramento below. Next time I visit the States, I DEFINITELY plan to fly in to San Francisco, not New York. (Flying in to New York adds at least an extra five hours to the flight. Not to mention you end up in one of the dodgiest airports in the world, the JFK).

Email: timhtrain - at -

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