Monday, March 12, 2007

Two Out Of Three Ain't Bad (In Your Pants)

(A fable inspired by a parlour game.)

Not many boys are regularly asked to drop their pants at school, and then get lauded and idolised for it, but then, Horace Argle Freeley was not like many boys. Horace had three testicles.

Whenever he told new friends that he had three testicles, he would be met with stars of incomprehension, disbelief, and outright anger.
"Go on, prove it," his friends would insist.
So Horace would.
"Wow!" his friends would say.

Horace became very famous for his three testicles. He eventually became the host of a progressive talk show called 'The Channel Three Tritesticular Talkshow at Ten!' There, Horace got the chance to meet many interesting people who had met challenging difficulties in their lives and risen above them, like the bearded woman who shaved, or the siamese twins who had once mistakenly dated the same woman before breaking up with her. Here is a sample interview:

Hello! I'm Horace Argle Freeley, and I have three testicles!


Today, we're going to meet Janet de Graf. And what's special about you, Janet?

I don't have a navel!


Wow! And what else do you do with your life?

For the last twenty-three years, I have sold safety pins for a living!

Well hey, how about that? Coming up next, a dog with two tails!

One morning, Horace woke up with a severe case of testicular cancer in one ball.

"Horace!" said Horace's Doctor. "You are going to have to get that testicle amputated!"
"But Doctor," said Horace. "Is it serious?"
"You will be in severe pain!" said the Doctor.
"You don't say!"
"You will eventually get spasms and your breathing will be constricted," continued the Doctor.
"Bearable!" scoffed Horace.
"You WILL die." said the Doctor, severely.
"Everyone dies!" laughed Horace.
"After your other two testicles have dropped off, that is."
"Oh my GOD!" cried Horace. "I didn't know it was that bad! Help me, Doc, help me!"
"I recommend you have this amputation," said the Doctor, forcefully, "Tonight."
Horace gulped and nodded his head.

The next day, Horace woke up in his hospital bed, looked down and saw that his testicle had indeed been amputated. He burst into tears.
"I have lost my testicle!" he cried. "Now I have only two!"
"Oh, come on!" said Nurse Brown, who had just started her shift, and was feeling cheerful. "At least you're not dead."
"With this testicle, I stood out from the crowd," moaned Horace. "I was special! What will I do now I have only two?"
"Hey!" said Nurse Brown, sharply. "That's more than some people! Like Mr Evenson over there. Why, just last week, a rare urethral parasite..."
"But you don't understand!" wailed Horace. "Without that testicle, I am neither more nor less than normal!"

Horace went on to have several nervous breakdowns (several a day, that is) and took extended leave from his talkshow. Later, he wrote several self-help books with titles like,

Coping With The Un-Copeable Loss

How to Go On When You Can't Go On


You Think YOU'VE Got It Bad, Bud - I Lost a TESTICLE!

Unconsolable, he took to the streets, crying to the people in their houses, "I have lost my third testicle!"
He stumbled into the fields, howling to an uncaring God, "I have lost my third testicle - why, God, why?"
He turned his face in tearful and furious protest to the blank sky and cold moon and indifferent stars, crying:

If for self-glorifying purposes you should one day drop your dacks,
You say less about what you has than what you lacks.

More Moral Moral:
It is better to be happy for what you have got
Than to mourn for what you once had that others have not.


Kathy said...

Or.. Better a testicle in the hand and two in the bush... Than none at all.

Or .. No good cryin' over spilt semen!

TimT said...

It's no use going nuts over your nuts.

Email: timhtrain - at -

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