Sunday, July 18, 2004

Noninterview Take Two

 More interviews this week. Let's practice my interview technique some more, shall we?

Brains … BRAINS!!!
 Characters: Dr. Blug, Dr. Blog (Professionals – white coats, glasses, etc), Mr. Williams (Student), Mr. Zog (Zombie)
 Scene: Office – Dr. Blug and Dr. Blog sit behind desk, Mr. Williams and Mr. Zog sit in front of it.
 Dr. Blug: Welcome, gentlemen, to the Blug and Blog Neurosurgery. I’m Dr. Blug, and this is my colleague, Dr. Blog (nods). We’ve been looking to extend the practice for quite some time now, and we’ve been looking for a promising young neurosurgeon to join our business. We’ve had a wide range of applications, and we’ve finally narrowed it down to two candidates – you, Mr. Williams…
 Mr. Williams: I’m pleased to be here.
 Dr. Blug: … and Mr. Zog here…
 Mr. Zog: Brains … BRAINS…
 Dr. Blug: Yes. Well, we’re pleased to meet both of you, and can I say, we’re very impressed with both of your applications. Now, would you like to tell me a little about yourself? Mr. Williams?
 Mr. Williams: Yes, thankyou. I studied for a PhD in neurosurgery at Oxford University, and for 3 years worked at the International Institute for Neuro-disorders in Switzerland, during which I was able to perform extensive research into the Zugman-Hibbert hypothesis regarding the synaptial-logical functions of the upper Cerebral cortex.
 Dr. Blog: Hmmm. That certainly sounds very impressive, Mr. Williams. Mr. Zog – you haven’t spoken very much yet. Perhaps you’d like to tell us a little bit about yourself?
 Mr. Zog: …. Brains … brains…!
 Dr. Blog: Yes, that’s true, you will be working with those, Mr. Zog… but we’d be interested in hearing about your background. What sort of work have you done in the past?
 Mr. Zog: … brains … brains … BRAINS!
 Dr. Blug: That’s all very well, Mr. Zog, we know from your resume that you have a neuroscience degree. But we were wondering if you could elaborate a little further?
 Dr. Blog: Yes, Mr. Zog – what skills do you have that qualify you for this job, for instance?
 Mr. Zog: (looks puzzled, scratches his head) Brains … brains … BRAINS … BRAINS, BRAINS, BRAINS!!!
 Dr. Blug: Well, we’re sure you’re very intelligent, Mr. Zog, but that doesn’t help much…
 Dr. Blog: Errr… Mr. Williams… I see from your resume that you have been published in many prestigious scientific publications. Would you like to elaborate on that?
 Mr. Williams: Yes, certainly. I’ve been fortunate enough to have been published three times in Neuro-surgeon International, twice in Nature magazine, and twice in The Monthly Journal of Brain Research. I don’t mean to blow my own horn, but several of my colleagues consider my research into neuro-synaptial cancer to be some of the most exciting and original works they’ve ever seen – may I refer you to the recent editorial in Nature magazine?
 Dr. Blug: Thankyou, Mr. Williams – we have been following all your research with great interest, and we’re very impressed. Now, er, Mr. Zog, I see from your resume … Mr. Zog, what are you doing?
 (Mr. Zog has started sniffing around Mr. Williams head, stroking it, etc)
 Mr. Zog: Brains … brains brains brains brains brains brains brains brains brains! (He is now drooling with excitement)
 Dr. Blug: Mr. Zog, if you could just pay your attention to me for a second … Mr. Zog! Good. Now, I see from your resume that you have been a brain surgeon for many years, and that you specialized in lobotomies… would you care to elaborate on that?
 Mr. Zog:(looks puzzled) eh… uh… brains!!!
 Dr. Blog: (Rolls his eyes) That’s about all he says …
 Dr. Blug: Mr. Zog, if you’re unable to give an intelligent answer, then we’ll have no choice but to give the position to Mr. Williams here …
 Mr. Zog: BRAINS!! (He is stroking Mr. Williams head again)
 Dr. Blog: As a matter of fact… Mr. Zog, I’m beginning to doubt you are even suitable for the job. Your resume is very impressive, but … if I didn’t know better… then I’d say that you’ve had this resume forged!
 Dr. Blug: Yes, I’m beginning to suspect the same thing… have you got anything to say for yourself, Mr. Zog?
 Mr. Zog: Brains brains BRAINS BRAINS BRAINS BRAINS BRAINS BRAINS BRAINS BRAINS!!! (leaping on Mr. Williams and dragging him behind the table)
 Mr. Blug: Mr. Zog? Are you even listening to me? This is your last chance, Mr. Zog!  

 Mr. Zog: (From behind desk) Aaaaargh … gnaaarghhh... mmmm … nnnn … slurp… chew… gnash… brains….. mmmm… gnarrghlle!
Mr. Williams: EwwwgghhhAAAARRGH! What are you doing, you loathsome… I … no, no, don’t do that, I … NYAAAAAAAAAA!

 (You can see the occasional arm or leg flailing up from behind the desk)
 Dr. Blog: (Standing up and going over to where Mr. Zog and Mr. Williams are) Right, I’ve just about enough of this, it’s clear to me that … (looking down) Good LORD, is that a cerebellum? I think it is!
 Dr. Blug: And that … it’s … it’s a frontal lobe, a full frontal lobe…
 Dr. Blog: And that, what’s that … yes it is, it’s…
 Dr. Blug: (Shaking his head) Disgusting!
 Dr. Blog: Disgraceful! Mr. Williams, I have to say, I’ve never seen such a shameless display of a persons frontal lobes in all my life! Now I’m sure they’re very impressive, but while you’re in this office, I would have expected you would have had the common courtesy and decency to keep them under wraps!
 Dr. Blug: Mr. Williams? Mr. Zog? Are you quite finished… I’m afraid…
 (Mr. Zog stumbles up, drool and blood and brains dripping from his mouth, closely followed by Mr. Williams, bloodied and with a vacant, zombified look in his eyes)
 Dr. Blug: Good. Now, as I was saying, since you haven’t had the manners to keep your frontal lobes under cover, we’re just going to have to award the job to …
 Mr. Williams: Brains… brains!
 Dr. Blug: To Mr. Zog here!
 Dr. Blog: Welcome aboard, Mr Zog!
 Mr. Zog and Mr. Williams: Brains brains BRAINS BRAINS BRAINS BRAINS BRAINS BRAINS!!! (Leaping on Dr. Blug and Dr. Blog)
(Had that one lying about for a while.)

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