Wednesday, July 07, 2004


Tim Blair is on to something in his latest Continuing Crisis column:

Last week, after I requested a plastic bag at a newsagency, an unshaven customer felt moved to speak. "Save the environment!" he told me eagerly. "You don't need a bag to carry one magazine!" I also don't need a glass to drink wine; I could simply chug it from the bottle. These are the things that separate us from the beasts. I was considering the beast-humankind divide when I realised my adviser was still talking; presumably he expected an answer, so I told him I was a collector of rare petrochemical commodities, picked up my bagged purchase, and left.

I always felt that those Clean Up Australia ads featuring a comely young lady lecturing her customer said less about the 'dangers' of plastic bags and more about the people who were trying to get rid of them. But imagine if you were confronted by somebody like her in real life, asking you:

Do you want a bag for that, something that blocks drains and creeks, injures precious marine life, and stays in our environment for thousands of years?

Would you have the presence of mind to come up with a snappy reply? Neither would I. But, after months of deep and hard thinking, I have come up with the following responses.

Of course, what would I use to suffocate hippies if I didn't have a plastic bag?

Yes thankyou, you sanctimonious git.


Whew. Hard work, that was. Maybe after getting me a job some of my readers can mail through some more suggestions...

PS. I realise the hilarity quotient in that post was probably on the negative side of zero. I give you my solemn word that many many more unfunny posts will follow unless somebody gets me a job soon. It's not exactly extortion, but it's not bad...

1 comment:

kranki said...

Why did you ask for a bag? I tell people I just decided that I don't like picking up dogshit with my bare hand. Then I try to introduce myself and shake their hand.

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