I enclose the manuscript for a semi-autobiographical novel of my own. I've been working on it, on and off, for the past three thousand years.
Dear Mr God,
Thank you for taking the time to send your manuscript into us. We read it through to the end, and really liked it! The comedy passages in Deuteronomy were particularly original.
Unfortunately, we do not feel that we are able to publish it in its current form. A little too much violence - it wouldn't appeal to the demographic we feel you're trying to reach. Also, it appears to be written mostly in ancient Hebrew.
Fine. I've put together a little translation, which I hope you're happy with. But the violence stays. For I, your God, am a jealous God, and I'll give you a jolly good smiting if you start censoring my text, you see if I don't. Plus, it adds to the dramatic tension. See?
Well, thanks. We must admit, we didn't expect you to translate it into an obscure and unpronounceable pre-Miltonian dialect of English. It's a good thing we had a scholar on England before the time of Cromwell in our staff, otherwise it might have been a bit difficuilt to understand.
However, we've still got a few complaints.
1) The passage about Adam and Eve seems to contradict, plot-wise, with the other account of creation contained in your opening chapter.
2) We're not convinced by the character of Balaam's Ass. Sure, he's just a minor character: but could you flesh him out a bit? Why is it necessary to have a talking donkey there in the first place?
3) We'd be interested if you extended out The Song of Solomon for a few scenes. I mean let's not be prudish here: our readers like a bit of tit and cock.
4) We are a bit perplexed by your decision to make the book into a duology. Surely it could be split more evenly into a trilogy? Or even a tetraology? And frankly, the whole of the second book (tentatively titled 'New Testament' at the moment) seems just a bit overwrought.
5) Enough already with the begats! Or, if you must put them in, could you concentrate on the begatting process and less on who got begat? (See our comments re: 3, above).
6) Before we forget, the NAME. Could you have come up with anything worse? The Bible? What on earth does it MEAN?
Here are some of our suggestions:
The Jerusalem Protocol
God: The Book of the Film (don't worry, if your book does get published, we'll arrange the film rights soon enough)
Heaven a Good Time, Wish You Were Here
7) We feel as if your appeal could also be extended to the sci-fi market. Do you think you could put in a scene with lasers and a couple of androids?
Hi. Read your suggestions. Are you guys trying to ruin my book? I've poured my heart and soul into it, dammit, and you're trying to suck all the life out of it. Firstly:
1) No. The Adam and Eve bit stays. They're crucial characters for the rest of the series.
2) Oh, would you like him to do a little song and dance as well? Quit pressuring me. I think it's impressive enough that he speaks at all. I mean, does your dog speak to YOU? Of course not.
3) Fine, I've put it in with this letter. Happy now?
4) No. The duology structure is crucial. The whole second part is about my relationship with my son, see? I don't think Junior would be impressed if I started and chopping changing with that bit. And believe me, he's a guy with a lot of power.
5) You filthy minded sods, what have you been doing with my book, using it as a Playboy spank rag? I don't do porn, thanks very much. I do do *erotica*, yes, but I don't do porn.
6) Pitiful wretches. If it were possible for me to blaspheme, then that is what I would be doing right now. No. The name STAYS. Ye of little faith!
7) Alright, alright, I've been working on this short story, got Purple Women and Four headed beasts aplenty. Space opera sort of thing, called 'Revelations'. It's enclosed. Happy now?
Unfortunately, if you're going to be so intractable, we don't feel we can publish your book. Anyway, the bottom's fallen out of the semiautobiographical-novel market. Why don't you try writing some chic-fic? Judging from your 'Book of Esther', you could do quite well in the romantic comedy genre.
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