Don't Move! There's a Fire-Breathing Freak-Beast From Hell Behind You!

I have a little problem with the Biblical documentaries that they've been showing on the television screen over Easter, and the problem is this: they've been spending far too much time on all that 'message' stuff, and far too little time on talking about all the hell-beasts and dragons and what-not that the Bible contains. I mean, don't get me wrong, message and meaning is good - but when the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse gallop through your house and Gog and Magog are just about to rend you apart between their ravening maws, you won't be thinking that much about message, will you? No, you will not.

And hey - I'm down with all that morality stuff. I can remember not to boil a lamb in its mother's milk as much as the next man, but what am I going to do when a fire-breathing dragon swoops down on me and begins to eat maidens? Feed it cakes of pitch, fat, and hair and make it explode, that's what. And so what if that's from the Apocrypha? My point is still the same.

Thanks to the Bible we learn heaps of useful and practical advice for day to day living, like when our Ass starts talking to us, then it's probably a good thing to listen to it. Or when you see a sultry seductress pouting at you and you just happen to notice that she has seven heads and ten horns, then restrain your natural lustful desires to go to bed with her, because she's probably the Whore of Babylon. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but you don't want to end up cast into a lake of fire and/or burning sulfur: that's just impractical, and chronically unsexy. In addition, if you're thinking about getting a haircut, and your hairdresser ''just happens" to be called Delilah, then think again, man! It could be severely emasculating (and potentially damaging to your eyes.) Also - and we're probably getting a little off topic here, but it's worth it - if all of a sudden the heavens open up and you see burning fires and whirlwinds and freaky stuff, like totally-out-there four-headed man-ox-lion-eagle-hybrid, then be cool, man. It's probably not an example of genetic engineering, it's just that you're going to have a couple of prophecies. Also, don't be surprised if your name is Ezekiel and you live in the 600th century BC, and if you are, can I borrow your chariot, mate? Those things are totally cool.

So, next time biblical strumpets look alluringly your way, or apocryphal hell-beasts start attacking your house with fire and sulfur, or some random president/Prime Minister asks kindly if you'd like to get a cute number starting with '6' tattooed across your forehead, or just any everyday shit like that, don't say I didn't warn you! It's all in the Bible: useful, practical rules for getting along in a supernatural universe filled with demons and angels and freak-beasts of every description, where the wrong move could see you cast into Eternal Perdition or even end up betting on the wrong man in the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Races (otherwise known as the Caulfield Cup). And that's just too horrible to even contemplate.

(This community service has been brought to you after watching a documentary recommended by Tim (yes, another Tim) who might have a slightly different take on the issue of man-eating hell-monsters, but you never know.)