Post For Broadway Geeks

Coming soon (as soon as I can persuade Eddie McGuire to send me the money, that is) - a comedy that only Broadway geeks living in the eastern suburbs of Melbourne could understand!

AVENUE KEW It's got LAUGHTER! (Enter Rich Woman, Followed by Richer Guy) RICHER GUY: Anything you can build, I can build bigger; Anything you can build, I can build bigger than you! RICH WOMAN: No you can't! RICHER GUY: Yes I can! RICH WOMAN: No you can't! RICHER GUY: Yes I can! RICH WOMAN: No you can't, no you can't... RICHER GUY: (Pulls out Permission for Development from Council) YES I CAN! Mansions or palaces, Gigantic brick phalluses That give workmen calluses And spinal paralysis - Anything you can build, I can build bigger; Anything you can build, I can build bigger than you! RICH WOMAN: All right, you don't have to rub it in. Arsehole. It's got ROMANCE! (Enter Lecherous Young Man and The Object of His Lechery beneath the light of the silvery moon) LECHEROUS YOUNG MAN: Oh, Murgatroyd! If I could only tell how much I lov... OBJECT OF HIS LECHERY: It's Alice, mate. The names Alice. LECHEROUS YOUNG MAN: Whatever! I love to see you standing there, With pearls and rubies in your hair, With diamonds, gold and silver rings, And lots of other expensive things, Yes, amethysts in your necklace, too - These things, Euphemia... OBJECT OF HIS LECHERY: Alice. LECHEROUS YOUNG MAN: Whatever - .... make me love you! I looooooove everything about yooooooooooou But most especially, chicky-babe, your Dolce and Gabbana shoe! OBJECT OF HIS LECHERY: Oh! (Faints in his arms) LECHEROUS YOUNG MAN: But most of all, my dear, Behind all these embellishments - The thing I love above all else Is your Dad's inheritance! OBJECT OF HIS LECHERY: (Snaps eyes open) Hey, arsehole - why don't you just marry him, if you love him so much? LECHEROUS YOUNG MAN: Hey! That's a great idea! I'm off to lobby Mr Baillieu to get gay marriage legalised! (Dumps Object Of His Lechery, AKA Alice, on the ground) OBJECT OF HIS LECHERY: Bastard! (Let's loose with a stream of homophobic invective) Plus: TRAGEDY! (When someone's son turns out to be gay) and HIGH DRAMA at the bi-annual Box Hill Flower Arranging Finals!

Also coming up: FAR KEW (A romance between two eastern suburbs voters marooned in a Labor electorate), JEW KEW (alternate title: "Kvetch, Boy, Kvetch"), a comedy about two rich people of Orthodox Jewish descent buy a house next to a family who 'support the Palestinian cause'. PLUS: Hit Broadway favourite THE REDUCERS, reset in Kew - about a group of modernising left-wingers who join the Kew council in a bid to reduce the electricity bill of that suburb, and end up reducing it to TOTAL DARKNESS!