Friday, April 13, 2007

What To Expect When You're Expecting Satan


CONGRATULATIONS! You have been selected by the devil/Prince of Evil/Beelzebub/Powers-That-Be to carry in your womb an earthly manifestation of the supernatural realms! Please take some time to read this little pamphlet to help you understand the trying times ahead.

Nauseau, morning sickness, cramps, vomiting, headaches, back-aches, hunger, tiredness, dizzyness, bleeding, hallucinations, hysteria, random thunderstorms, the occasional volcanic eruption, day dreams, nightmares, mad priests, manic depression, attacks by screaming Papists, social alienation, heightened magical powers, unexpected manifestations of Mepistopheles, Patrick Troughton, and itchiness. Don't worry! It's what every nurturer goes through! It's all part of the normal supernatural experience.

Giving your child a name like Damien, because that kid is really annoying
Being called Rosemary
Calling your child Adrian
Calling your child Regan Teresa Macneil
Patrick Troughton*

ESPECIALLY try not to avoid giving birth to any or every of the following entities:
The Antichrist
The Horsemen of the Apocalypse (how would you fit all those horses in your womb?)
Hannibal (this guy's not strictly a demonic entity, but you still don't want to give birth to him)
Patrick Troughton (not actually a demon, but you don't want to give birth to him all the same. I mean, come on! He's 87 years old and dead!)

In the years to come, no matter how eccentric your child might seem, or how many countries he or she might take over/destroy, or how many dragons or weird shit they might hang out with, cherish them and take care of them so that they will be able to grow into their full potential for evil. They will thank you for it! (Well, they probably won't thank you for it so much as blow up the world or something, but same difference).

UPDATE! - Happy Black Friday, everyone!

*This rule doesn't just apply to expectant-mothers-of-demons, it applies to people in all walks of life. Yes, even you.


alexis said...

You forgot to mention tannis root, which you can buy fresh, pickled, or powdered at the Northcote organic herb market. Essential for all young Satanspawns.

Karen said...

I always thought dating Satan was what I had to fear, so thank you for bringing this new angle to my attention.

My sister and I were scared witless as children by the giving-birth-to-an-alien scene in V (testing your nerdery here).

TimT said...

Alexis: My tannis skills are pretty much rooted, actually - MUCH too unsporty for that. Though I do like to take Satan'spawns off the board once in a while.

Karen: Not a problem. I like to keep my readers, er, informed. I never saw V as a kid, grew up in a country town and we only received two channels, one being the ABC. (Though my aunty in Newcastle did keep a couple of tapes of it.)

alexis said...

With all those Czech matings, it's no wonder there're spawns lying around.

Just sent you yahoo email re Keating!.

Karen said...

On reflection, the true Satan should be able to gestate in an ear lobe, his homunculus attaching itself accordingly whilst one strolls in the early evening. This means you're not safe either!

V probably isn't that scary. I was afraid of the daleks too. With the ABC you would have received all the best children's shows of our era, in any case, including, most importantly, Cities of Gold.

TimT said...

Cities of Gold? Don't remember that. I DO, however, remember Kimba the White Lion, Astroboy, Ulysses 3000 (or whatever the hell it was called), and some BBC thing about slugs that lived under the sea that were going to take over the earth but were stopped by two plucky kids from Little Wopping, or something like that.

I never got the Daleks, never got scared by them, but the Cybermen scared the crap out of me as a kid: those metal men with hollow eyes... creepy!

TimT said...

Your sister's a vet now, isn't she? Does that mean she knows how to take care of a V alien baby?

TimT said...

You wouldn't want to give birth to one of those aliens that Sigourney Weaver keeps on fighting. They're not just psychopathically evil, they're retards. They wouldn't evil be able to sit down and quietly read a book without killing/impaling/impregnating with alien spawn everyone in sight.

Karen said...

I'm very sorry to hear that you don't recall Cities of Gold. My friends and I have fond memories of it. I don't remember Kimba, but I did see the bit about it in that manga exhibition last time I was in Melbourne. I loved Astroboy as a child, but it often made me sad. I was going to talk about Sigourney Weaver- the "kill me" scene- when I first saw your post, but then I didn't.
My sister's first degree was in veterinary science, but she's doing a PhD now (due August) with a view to moving into research/academia. She works as a vet on weekends. My other sister is a RN, so she would also be able to deal with the alien baby/demon spawn. All in all, I am well-served should I ever be so unfortunate during a moonlit stroll.

TimT said...

Tending to a sickly demonchild mightn't be too different to normal medicine, though an Alchemist would come in handy. An ailing alien, however, would create an interesting conundrum - the successfull doctor would have to be in equal parts a medical person, scientist, and vet. And imagine taking apart a cyberman! You'd have to be a mechanic!

I have somewhere a story by Piers Anthony called 'OUCH!' about a human dentist who is contracted to fix the teeth of a gigantic whale-like alien with toothache.

Nowadays, the thing is to give all these evil killing beasties in SF mental health issues. So you might have Daleks getting performance anxiety issues about lasering, cybermen worrying about their previous human identity and how it clashes with their cyber-identity, and so on, and so forth.

Where's Freud when you need him?

Jo said...

I wrote an essay at uni once, giving evidence that Jesus had an Oedipus complex.

Thought I'd mention it.

Karen said...

I'm far from being a SF doyen, as you well know, but my understanding is that SF is most interesting for the "mental health" issues it raises about the nature of human identity, memory, etc.
I wish I had more things to say about the demon baby, but I'm strangely deflated at the end of the day- "the long dark tea time of the soul". I suppose that makes me especially vulnerable to Satanic aural implantation, a bit like a cold or the flu weakening your immune system. After reading Alexis' last blog, it's the possums I'm going to be especially wary of!

TimT said...

Yes, but did Oedipus have an Oedipus complex?

I'm currently writing a story called 'Will You Be My Fixation' or 'Speed Dating At The Men Who Are Attracted To Women Like Their Mother's Club'.

First thing that attracted to me about SF as a kid was the 'OMG! People on weird planets and in hyperspace and on other dimensions!' factor, which can't be ruled out. Now I take a more genteel approach: it's the 'Oh look, there's an alien - I think I might sit down with the old chap and down a few glasses of Kvardian Ale from the Vorban District of Venus, and have a chat about his culture.' Though the 'OMG! Weird places and weird shit!' factor can't still be ruled out.

Karen, if the Long Dark Teatime persists, I can always get my Oedipus Complex to manifest itself as a Mime Clown, who will do some tricks for you.

wildoat-1 said...

so long as it's not another one of those tedious immaculate conceptions and we at least get to dance with the devil under the pale moon light before said birth of alien evilchild.

Karen said...

Yes, I saw the clown and I think I voted in the poll too.
The long dark tea time was the prelude to a migraine, as my long dark tea times sometimes are. We had to pop into the supermarket before going to my (younger, RN) sister's place for dinner tonight and I could smell the various detergents, etc in the supermarket, which is always a very bad sign (it may last into tomorrow).
I have to go lie down now, but I'm groggily confused as to how clowns can be Oedipal. I hope this puzzle isn't going to keep me awake (I get fixated on silly little things when I've got a migraine).

TimT said...

Complex Baby (Oedipus Me)
A song by Sigmund and the Schlomos

Will you be my fixation,
Will you be my complex, complex baby;
Will you be my subconscious gestation,
Will you be my neurotic frustration,
My Jungian archetype, maybe -

Yeah - be my surrealist
Yeah - hallucinate me
Yeah, by my Hello, Dali -
Yeah - Oedipus me!
Come my complex, complex baby,
Oedipus, Oedipus me!

TimT said...

Just decided to burst into song there for no reason at all. Um, I think anything is by default Oedipal, no? I wouldn't know.

TimT said...

Evidently the mime clown is already performing.

Please pay no attention to him and rest until the migraine goes away.

Karen said...

You made me laugh out loud! I hope there's music to accompany the lyrics. You also remind me that I have actually seen an Oedipal Clown perform (I'm very fond of "Kick a Baby", although you can't go past "Banging in the Nails" for sheer, spit-out-your-drink offensiveness).

Feeling much better thanks to two Oedipal clowns.

nailpolishblues said...

Oh Tim, that was fucking awesome.

TimT said...

Best line in 'One Touch of Venus' is spoken by Whitelaw Savory, a modern artist, to one of his students:

'That's quite a fixation you've got there. I'd like to meet your mother sometime.'

Caz said...

Every blog thread should have a musical interlude.

Karen said...

I'm going to have to get migraines more often if you'll then try to cheer me with another musical interlude on a par with "Complex Baby"!

TimT said...

Believe me, if you actually heard me sing it, you would get a migraine all over again!

Karen said...

I'm a big fan of singers who "can't sing"!

TimT said...

I hit all the right notes at all the wrong times, as Clive James said of someone else. In an unbearably thin and reedy voice that jerks epileptically between a screeching tone and a growling tone.

Karen said...

That sounds just about perfect! And, if you're especially reedy, I'll return the favour by singing myself! Do you sing in rounds? I'm very fond of singing in rounds.

TimT said...

I'm reedy, but not like an oboe. I especially like participating in one-person rounds, if the one-person is another person.

But they are fun - it's a pity that sort of thing isn't too popular anymore. Do you know the song 'Cool' from West Side Story? That's a perfect fugue. (Similar to a round).

Karen said...

One-person rounds are exactly what I mean. I don't even need to have a glass of wine to start, but so few people will join in with you! Sigh!

I am not musically literate at all and am very conscious of the fact that I am in danger of embarrassing myself horribly in front of the person with the music degree. You may be reedy, but I cannot carry a tune! The extent of my musical education was an attempt to learn how to play the guitar as a teenager, which was just... horribly embarrassing.

But it is exciting to find another fan of singing in rounds- good, wholesome family fun should never go out of fashion!

Email: timhtrain - at -

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