Thursday, September 28, 2006

Egg-Nogging and Blogging: A Matter of Grave Concern

"I sniggered into my chick pea curry" writes one reader of this website. "... you've nearly given me keyboard accidents with coffee coming up my nose with laughter" says Tim Blair commenter. And another: "I nearly snorted coffee out of my nose."

I can't tell you how many of times this sort of thing has happened to me. I have been innocently enjoying my morning coffee while clicking through my favourite blogs, when a small joke has been enough to bring me on the verge of applying a boiling-hot caffeine colonic to my nasal passages: snirtle, indeed!
Worse has happened to other blog readers. Just listen to these horror stories:
"On the morning it happened," writes Betty Sue of Little Woppingtonarang, Northern Territory, "I got up and did what I normally do. I was fixed myself a lemonade with one hand and began preparing some sherbert with the usual mix of tartaric and citric acid and bicarbonate of soda and icing sugar. Occasionally, I reached over to my desktop computer and clicked through to links on your [blog name suppressed for security reasons] web log. I was so engrossed by one post that I absent-mindedly poured the bicarbonate of soda into the lemonade and shook the result up before trying to feed this to my children. If the glass of hadn't exploded before it reached my child's lips, I don't know what would have happened! Blogging is dangerous!"
Or consider the case of 'Joe', a circus clown who happened at the time to be perfecting a circus act when he very narrowly avoided disaster during training:
"The act involved me juggling a simple combination of ... four pavlovas and three bananas ... while having a bowl of Aeroplane jelly balancing on my head. At the same time, for the entertainment of the audience, I planned to be walking on the tightrope with my right foot and surfing the web on my laptop computer (although obviously not on my laptop) with my left foot. It was meant to be a cutting artistic commentary on modern civilisation. However, on this particular occasion, I had strung up the tightrope between two skyscrapers in my neighbourhood. I ... clicked through to my [blog name suppressed for security reasons] and happened to see an ADORABLE picture of a labrador hugging a kitten! I couldn't help myself; I broke up laughing - it was HYSTERICAL. I managed to end up with only a few broken ribs and the bowl of jelly over my head, but when I slipped on the banana skin, I had to be very careful not to land on my laptop. I mean, it could have been IRREPARABLY DAMAGED! Blogging during training should not be allowed!"
Yet another reader was just getting ready to whip some brandied cream for some jam tarts while following a recipe from a favourite cookery book and at the same time reading her favourite news website.
"However, I became so distracted by the [website name suppressed for security reasons] that I ended up whipping the cookery book and placing it in the fridge, and taking the tarts and putting them back on the shelves. I mean, a commenter on that website left a link that was just HILARIOUS! It was only much later that I discovered my mistake, and had to start all over again! How silly of me!"
Nor is this all. Other readers write in with terrifying stories involving the making of apple strudel, the creation of noodles, the preparation of a quiche, or even the seemingly innocuous combination of people sipping egg-nog while clicking through their favourite links.

Please, readers: take heed of the advice given to me once when I confessed to my culinary habits on a favourite website.
"Tim, serves you right for masticating in front of the computer. It's a filthy habit."


Caz said...

I'm just not getting this:

- people have computers in their kitchens?

- people carry their computers around the house with them?

- people carry their computers around with them while they are cooking / mixing drinks, etc?


TimT said...

Well, I do all three of those, but granted - this post was essentially two cups of hogwash, stirred, with claptrap spinkled on the top. (Served with a wigwam for a goose's bridle)

ras said...

being somewhat of a self proclaimed expert on computers

1. People can and do indeed have computers in their kitchens, i myself quite often have had my laptop on the kitchen table and used it as a reference point when cooking. I didnt read blogs from it though

2. Yes, they do carry their computers around the house, for instance, in one night both my partner and I will move our laptops: in front of the TV; to the kitchen table; to the computer room; into the toilet (my partners disgusting habit of reading the news when he's... err... sitting down) and finally, to the bedroom.

3. I've never done this, coffee and keyboard or wine and keyboard dont mix. You can bring a keyboard back if its had water in it, but anything else and its screwed.

Keep in mind though... I am a geek

TimT said...

my partners disgusting habit of reading the news when he's... err... sitting down

Buy your partner one of those EXPLODING DELL LAPTOPS, almost guaranteed to burst into flames at an inappropriate time! That'll learn them!

Fatman said...

Well I remember performing at a childrens party this one time, doing the whole ´Cutting the assistant in half with a chainsaw trick´, when I happened to glance over my shoulder and caught a glimpse of (we´re suppressing website names now?) on a computer several houses away. Needless to say the performance ended in tragedy and the kids were showered in blood and organs. Though I compensated the family of the deceased assistant handsomely I still felt slightly guilty for laughing at such an innapropriate moment.

ps- Yes I´m hungover and have nothing original to say today.

TimT said...

That must have been awfully embarassing for you! Did you find the money for compensation by selling your assistants organs on the black market? Waste not, want not, and all that.

ras said...

Funnily enough, he has a dell

Just not one of the ones that explodes

TimT said...

You should only really be worried if he spends excessive amounts of time 'reading' the 'news' in the 'toilet' on his laptop. In which case, an explodey Dell battery would be just the ticket.

Anonymous said...

funny you should say that....

Email: timhtrain - at -

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