Friday, July 24, 2015

WTFF news: Councils run out of pointless symbolic gestures to be pointlessly symbolic about

OUR NATION IS IN CRISIS TODAY as local councils have announced that they are almost out of pointless symbolic gestures to be pointlessly symbolic about.

The fears come as the City of Moreland council today announced plans to hold a minute's silence to mark the occasion of the dropping of atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. The gesture unintentionally emptied out the local council's stocks of pointless symbolic gestures, causing crisis meetings from concerned citizens groups from Brunswick through to Coburg.

"What on earth will local councils do if they don't have any pointless symbolic gestures to pass their time?" said one concerned citizen. "I am concerned!"

"It's a great idea, one minute's silence, but after we've used up that minute, what are we going to do next?" said another concerned citizen. "I am gripped in anticipated existential angst!"

The discovery of the national shortage in pointless symbolic gestures has sent ripples of concern across Australia, with accusations of profligacy from many of our top economists. "For years we have been overusing our pointless symbolic gestures. I mean, local councils being 'refugee zones' or 'nuclear free areas' or boycotting nations halfway around the world? What does this even mean? What value do they get from it?" said one respected national economist with many degrees to their name. "I am a respected national economist with many degrees to my name".

However, local councils have retaliated against the criticism, claiming they have been recycling many pointless symbolic gestures already. "Why, just yesterday I was at a meeting where we had a welcome to country, an apology to the stolen generations, and up to ten acknowledgements of the original Aboriginal owners of the land - and the recycling was all the more impressive for the fact that not a single Indigenous person was present", said the Mayor of one regional council. "What regional council was I running again?"

Other national economists have suggested that there are still creative solutions to the pointless symbolic gesture crisis. "We don't need to start making meaningful gestures yet", laughed one economist. "Not when we have the crimes of the Romans in Carthage to apologise for!"

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Meanwhile, in the world of commerce...

SCENE: The Prank Store, Lalor. The store owner, Mr PRANKSRUS is standing at the counter as young DONOGOOD and his friends come in.

MR PRANKSRUS: Hello, welcome to The Prank Store, Lalor. How may I help you?

DONOGOOD: (Giggling with companions) Hello! We'd like to buy a prank on.... (bursts into giggles again) Tim and the Baron.

MR PRANKSRUS: Certainly, we are The Prank Store, and we have all sorts of pranks available! Just what sort were you after? High-spirited malarkey? Well-schemed hoaxes? Long-running practical jokes?

DONOGOOD: (Giggling) Well, we were hoping to.... sneak into their backyard at night and put a cow on their roof. (Whole group bursts into uncontrollable laughter).

MR PRANKSRUS: Oh, I'm sorry. We're all out.

DONOGOOD: Really? (Face falls, then he has a sudden thought). Oh.... well, you know. We'd settle for a spot of 'Creeping into their front yard while they're sleeping and performing topiary on their diosma so it looks like a dinosaur when they wake up'. Bit unoriginal out in these suburbs.... but should do the trick.

MR PRANKSRUS: Oh dear, well as you know, that is one of our most popular models. I'm afraid we sold out yesterday morning. We'll have some more in in a week, I can put your name down if I can just....

DONOGOOD: No. (Sighs heavily). That's all right, I suppose we can just go.... and do our homework (someone in group whimpers).

MR PRANKSRUS: No no! I'm sure we can help you! Let me see, let me see - ooh, how about this: I have a nice package deal: 'Waiting until they look the other way and rearranging the statuary in their front yard', combined with 'spray painting one of them a nice pink colour'. Very promising! You'll love it!

DONOGOOD: That's very thoughtful! But I'm afraid they don't have statuary!

MR PRANKSRUS: Yes, yes, I see your problem. This is difficult. Look, we don't have too much else, we are just a start-up - but I could - let me see: yes! We do have this one: 'Wait until it's bin night and then steal a bin from someone else's house and then throw that bin and its contents onto their front driveway'. Neat little trick, quite modest but I'm sure you'll...

DONOGOOD: That's - that's a prank? More like a gaffe!

MR PRANKSRUS: Look, it's not perfect, but it's a good starting package. You'll really get into the prank market after that. Trust me! This is a prank that really says 'We are here to stay!'

DONOGOOD: (Whispers among companions) Won't it.... kind of.... make us look really stupid, um.... arseholes?

MR PRANKSRUS: No! You look like perfectly respectable lads to me! You'll be fine!

DONOGOOD: Okay.... I guess.... (hands over cash)...

MR PRANKSRUS:  Thank you! Enjoy your prank!

DONOGOOD: Thank you, sir! We'll do our best!


Sunday, July 12, 2015


Being a rhyme rap thingy I did at the Dan yesterday for no reason at all really apart from the three minutes of attention I got. The creative macchiato/legato rhyme was suggested by the Baron. (Incidentally, not only does blogger spell check not recognise the coffee names, it also got confused at 'lamington', 'trackydackies' and 'waccybaccy'. Spellcheck, check yourself!) 

Espresso yourself
Cappucino, moccacino, lamington and latte
Frappucino, affogato, muffin with a Smarty
Drop in for a doppio after shopping at the Target
You are all invited to my coffee-drinking party.

Ba-doom-doom-doom ba-da-doom-ba-da-doom.
Ba-doom-doom-doom ba-da-doom.

Like some woof with your doof take your poodle outside
We'd love to take your order and we'll take you for a ride.

Ba-doom-doom-doom ba-da-doom-ba-da-doom.

Like some sugar with your coffee or a hit of nicotine?
There's lightly slightly roasty toasty civet-bottom bean.
I just use these words though I don't know what they mean -
Is that butter on my fruit toast or is that just margarine?

Ba-doom-doom-doom ba-da-doom-ba-da-doom.
Ba-doom-doom-doom ba-da-doom.

Have a spot of piccolo, or a macchiato,
Some drink it furioso, but some are more legato.
Ba-doom-doom-doom ba-da-doom.

We're leafing through The Age though we're wearing trackydackies,
 Hey this skim milk soy chai latte is my morning waccybaccy -
Laughing at the slackers and the tradies and the whackers
Reading Herald Suns drinking coffee at the Maccas.

Ba-doom-doom-doom ba-da-doom-ba-da-doom.
Ba-doom-doom-doom ba-da-doom

Yo yo dude have a go of this Yo Yo
Give your ay a pep, give your day a gogo.

Ba-doom-doom-doom ba-da-doom.
Yo drinking coffee's cool yeah drinking coffee's hip
It's my cappucino crema and my chocolate chip,
Yo let's do lunch my man we'll shoot straight from the hip -
I just can't do it man until I get my coffee hit.

Ba-doom-doom-doom ba-da-doom-ba-da-doom.
Ba-doom-doom-doom ba-da-doom.

Saturday, July 11, 2015

Cats on laps 2: The Reckoning

Since the dawn of time, man has longed to become a pillow.

No, wait, go with me on this.

To have sharp feline claws repeatedly kneading his stomach into submission through his cosy jumper. (Convinced yet?) To have a purring predator making itself fiercely comfortably on his very own lap - with those purrs sure to break into growls if the man should dare to move himself in the slightest. And then - luxury of luxuries! - to have the aroma of the tin of Fancy Feast that you fed her two nights ago belched joyously up into your face as you contemplate the ways of fate that have led up to this glorious shining moment of cat sitting.
This is to be
Good, great and joyous, beautiful and free;
This is alone Life, Joy, Empire and Victory. 
Wait! Come back! I haven't finished yet!

At least get me a cup of coffee while you're up?

Wednesday, July 01, 2015

A comfortable opinion column

You are absolutely right in every way and in whatever opinion you have ever held. Further, you will inevitably be completely and utterly right in every opinion you ever will have: that is the considered opinion of this considered opinion column.

Think of a chair; a big, warm, comfortable chair. This chair is your opinion. You may relax in it. Go on, put your feet up. Notice how soft the cushions are! Of course, it is an extremely stylish and fashionable chair, but also exciting and moderne, for your tastes - being an extension of your opinions - are exceedingly refined and correct, though never subject to the transitory whims of trendsetters. How lovely it is! Utter the righteous sigh of contentment that you alone are able to utter. Ah!

Let us consider the nature of your opinions in all their true factuality and rightful correctness. I do not know what your opinions are (although I instantly accede to them, of course), and maybe you do not either: it is not mere generalities we are concerned with here. This nature of your opinions is threefold: you were right; you are right; you will always be right.

Polls have been performed on your opinions, and it is heartening to see how many people concur that you are in the right. Where polls do not agree with your own opinions, further polling on these polls has shown these polls to be wrong.

Most respectable individuals and highly-learned talking heads have conferred over your opinions and polls of your opinions, and the polls of polls of your opinions, and they have made eloquent disquisitions and delivered wise asseverations to the effect that you are absolutely right in every respect. Furthermore, the comment sections on most, if not all, blogs, taken as a whole, with a few unfortunate exceptions, affirm the serene truth of your reflections.

If only people would agree with you all the time. How agreeable that agreement would be! It is soothing to think of the correctness of your opinions, and to complaisantly acquiesce to their nuances and the subtler filigrees of your deliberations. One wonders why people do not instantly fall into step with them. This world is sometimes a fallen and miserable place.

We live in harsh, disputatious times, in a harsh, disputatious world, a place riven with disagreements, untruths, contradictions, paradoxes, and debates. Few individuals have ever come to agree on much in this bitter, conflicted place. No one person should ever feel complacent in their thoughts and philosophical systems - except you. You may feel utterly complacent in your complacency; for the simple neatness of your elegant opinions are perfectly adequate, for now and all time. How soft they are, how warm and fuzzy and attractive in their features; I should very much like to pat them and stroke them and make them my own!

This is the considered opinion of me, Tim Train, about your opinions.
Email: timhtrain - at -

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