Tuesday, January 26, 2016

To do list for Australia Day

To do list for Australia Day

Take the notes off your echidna
Polish up your kangaroo
Update your dingo's rego
Plug in your wombats, too. 

Put your ocker through the washer. 
Hang it on the windowsill. 
Give marsupials an extra pouch.
Give a platypus the bill. 

Wear pavlova to a party - 
Say it's just fancy dress. 
But most important, don't forget -
Repaint your OH&S.

Saturday, January 23, 2016

The advantages and disadvantages of nudism

The advantages and disadvantages of nudism

1. It's nice and cool to let all weathers
Play on your nipples and your nethers.

2. It's nice and cool - until it's cold.

3. It's lots of fun for young and old.

4: But: mum won't like it if she's told.

5. It feels delightful to be free
For breakfast, dinner, lunch, and tea.

6. You could get caught in nooks and chinks
Or doors, drawers, cupboards, laundry sinks.

7. Sunshine gives you a pleasant zing.

8. But sunburn, also, is A Thing.

9. It's very economically efficient.*

10. What if, by chance, the neighbours see?

11. What if, by chance, the neighbours see?

12. It's such a very simple way
To be at one with Nature every day

13. Being nude, you cannot wear a tie.

*No rhyme: this line is self-sufficient.  

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Challenge of the day

Challenge of the day: write a clean, inoffensive, family friendly limerick beginning with the following two lines:

Delvene's delightful declivities
Had some rather alarming proclivities...

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

From the 10 habits of highly effective Business-Bonobos...

... 11. The Business-Bonobo knows the value of money well. As soon as he or she comes into a little money, they roll all over it to ensure their pheromones are all over their savings. Also acceptable: pissing, spitting, shitting on the money. This way, potential competitors are deterred from taking a share.

12. A Business-Bonobo is never without their banana telephone. That way, they can stay in touch at all times with other Business-Bonobos. Also, they're good for snacks.

13. Work disputes are easily resolved. Sex. Also, disputes with technology. Sex. Also sexual feelings for fellow department members. Sex, obviously. Also H & S disputes. Sex. Sex. Sex....

Today, I observed a sporty girl bear an oversized test tube containing what looked like water with what appeared to be pond scum in the top of it

Today, I observed a sporty girl bear an oversized test tube containing what looked like water with what appeared to be pond scum in the top of it. She took a pointlessly big plastic straw, and proceeded to stir the appeared-to-be-pond-scum into the what-looked-like-water, and then plonked the straw right in and took a big contented slurp.

Our interest in health has given the world some very disturbing foods in the past hundred odd years, but none, I submit, quite so disturbing as a test tube full of appears-to-be-pond-scum on top of what-looks-like-water. The adage 'If it tastes good, it can't be good for you' these days seems to submit itself to some flexibility these days: 'If it tastes yuck and looks disgusting, it must be brilliant for you', perhaps. Certainly, I never thought I would see the day when people would present themselves in front of me drinking gigantic beakers full of pond scum. What happened to friendly old men drinking unknown substances out of brown paper bags, for heavens' sakes?

I blame Tony Abbott. Or Malcolm Turnbull. Or Daniel Andrews. Or whoever it is one blames for such things at the present time. Whatever. I blame them all.

Thursday, January 07, 2016

Innocent interpretations of internet acronyms

MILF - Man, I Like Flamingos!

PRON - Pickles R Okay, Neville!

IWSN - Isn't Wilma So Nice?

PORN - Pickles, Or Radishes - Neat!

WTF -  Why, That's Fine!

NIFOC - Now, I'm Filigreeing Our Crochet.

TMIY - Thanks, Mate! Igloos! Yay!

WTFF - Wendy,  Those Fantastic Flowers!
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