Friday, April 22, 2016

Haikus are a gateway drug: a public service announcement

 Haikus are a gateway drug. 
"Just three lines, and you'll be fine". 
Soon you'll do them all the time. 
Next thing you know, you're doing odes - 
The heavy stuff. IT'S JUST NOT COOL. 
And sign up for accounting school. 

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Antsy disestablishmentarians

If you get a whole bunch of contrarians in a room together, what happens? Do they all argue it out to see who is the top contrarian, or do they all slyly agree with one another in a passive aggressive attempt to piss one another off? Or does something more shocking happen, and they find that, having opposed orthodox opinion for so long, they are all genuinely in agreement with one another and they never need to start arguing at all? Or - in the somewhat more likely event of them actually not finding any point of agreement at all - what happens if someone actually says "we can't agree on anything at all, can we?" Would it, like, cause the universe to explode or something, or would they all avoid catching one another's gaze and instead look down to their feet as they shuffle awkwardly about the room?

And, while you're all thinking about that, what's the collective noun for a group of contrarians anyway? A disagreement? A beg-to-differ-ance? A Wellactually?

Saturday, April 16, 2016

Obsolete units of measurement

pubit - as long as a standard Imperial pubic hair.

Though of course a question remains: curly or straight?

Thursday, April 14, 2016

I drink to forget, but never forget to drink


My morning coffee cup is 
Not yet full 
I have become so very 
I need to get my big warm 
Wet full 
But now I drink it in a fit 
Alas! I search for it, 

 Alternative title: "Don't give up your day job".

(Thanks for the inspiration Shelley!)

Saturday, April 09, 2016

Lesser-known examples of onomatopaeia

 flomp - the sound of a cat taking up too much room on the bed. All night.

geklangbeplonkenbonk - the sound another German verb makes as it thuds its way through the memory part of the brain, crashes through the understanding bit, flounders about in the confusion and exasperation centres, and comes out at the other end.

snilp - the sound of another one of Tim's socks quietly disappearing in the night.

humber - the quietly disapproving noise of a pile of slowly accumulating unwashed clothes.

conblustergration - the silent, yet terrifyingly audible, sound of 1000 angry mainstream media blog commentators on an article about racism and celebrities.

Thursday, April 07, 2016

Balance maintained

Living with vegetarians: the Baron bursts into the study and says, "do you want some quince bacon?'

Living with carnivores: Beatrice the cat finds a mouse, eats the bottom half, and leaves the rest twitching on the front door step.

 Life. It's all about the balance, maaaaaaaaaaan.

Friday, April 01, 2016

The queue

The queue was long, and out the door; 
Each member wished to be before 
Each other member, right behind, 
(Who were, as well, of that same mind). 
 What were the queue all queuing too? 
They queued to join another queue. 
Email: timhtrain - at -

eXTReMe Tracker

Blog Archive