Saturday, December 26, 2020

Christmas Eve: a seasonal pageant

 MUSIC: Away in a Manger, played on soft strings. The SCENE is the Garden of Eden. ADAM is making something over a fire, and EVE is setting places round a stone table. 

ADAM: Hmmmm... the pudding's going to need some more plum brandy, and as for the custard.... well.... 

EVE:, the dog's got a place here, but that means I can't put the cat there, but the only other place left is next to the mice and.... hm.... what's got into you? 

ADAM: (Irritated) It's nothing, Eve. So, I suppose if we ask the ducks nicely, they might be able to give us some eggs, and..... 

EVE: But maybe if I moved the hippopotamus, that would clear up several spaces over there, and.... oh, come on, spit it out. I know you're going to. 

ADAM: No, no. I know it's important to you. 

EVE: Oh, don't be like that, Adam - talk to me! Remember when you used to talk to me about your problems? 

ADAM: (Shoulders slump) Eve, Eve. It's just.... why do we even celebrate Christmas? 

EVE: Not this again! Come on, Adam - we have to! It's TRADITION! 

ADAM: Of course, of course - and in this diverse, multicultural world we live in, I respect everyone's traditions, I really do. But why this? What does it even mean? The pudding? The presents? The party? This obsession over places and who gets to pull each other's sodding crackers? 

EVE: It's tradition, Adam. We've always done it this way. Since...

ADAM: Since that time that everything, the world, the creatures, us, even TIME ITSELF was created, just five and a bit months ago, give or take a day? How did we get to be so nostalgic for bygone eras all of a sudden, eras that we both know have never been? 

EVE: A woman knows what a woman knows, Adam. And this woman knows that when we have a tradition, we stick to it. 

ADAM: Well - it's not that I don't enjoy having a dinner party. But it just seems that this is the most elaborate dinner party yet - and we spend so much time fussing over who we sit the serpent next to, when we know that he'll probably either try to eat them, or.... 

EVE: (Sharply) He's YOUR friend, Adam, and don't you forget it! 

ADAM: Yes, but - do you see what I mean, love? I'm not even sure who we're going to cook. 

EVE: The turkey - he said he's happy to do it. 

ADAM: Are you sure? That's what the unicorn said for our last dinner party, and I don't think I've even *seen* another one since. 

EVE: Well, she was particularly delicious. 

ADAM: Oh my, yes. And, look, I understand love, really, I do, but.... (quietens) I do feel a bit funny about eating our friends like this. What if we tried vegetarian? 

EVE: Well, you know I don't mind that when it's just the two of us. But try telling that to the lion! He's strictly a meat man. And the leopard and the wolf are even more strict, somehow! Remember that time we had the leopard over for dinner? 

ADAM: Oh, I know. "How would you like your steak", I said. "Roar", they said. "You mean rare?" I said. Well, she got so angry she almost ate me! I couldn't even talk her up to medium roar, whatever that is! 

EVE; Anyway. It's an opportunity to get all the family together again. And we haven't seen the LORD for ages. 

ADAM: (Sighs with satisfaction) Yeah, he's awesome. And always so nice about it all. 

EVE: Always the same: he wants us to choose. Isn't that thoughtful? 

(Both sigh contentedly)

ADAM: All right, Eve. Have it your way. It is nice to have a big traditional family get together. I'll put the pudding on soon. And you know what the Serpent said to me the other day? 

EVE: What? 

ADAM: "Adam, ol' mate", he says, "Have I ever told you about this amazing new diet they've just invented?"

EVE: Who's "they"? 

ADAM: That's what I was wondering all this time! Anyway, he says, "Adam", he says, "It's called fructovorianism, and".... 


A visual explainer of Christmas, to help clear up any difficulties



Good Santa

Good Satan

Bad Santa

Bad Satan


Thank you for your time. 

Friday, December 25, 2020

COVID Christmas carols

I saw three ships come sailing in
In lockdown breach, in lockdown breach, 
I saw three ships come sailing in
In lockdown breach in the morning. 


Hark, the Herald Angels sing - 
Stay inside and do nothing!


Deck the halls with boughs of holly, 
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Partying would be a folly,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Even singing could defeat us
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Keep your distance, several metres - 
Fa la la la la so very far. 


I saw mummy kissing Santa Claus 
So I reported the bastards immediately to the local authorities.


Maria durch ein Dornwald ging - 
Email: timhtrain - at -

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