Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Brewing demystified

Honest definitions of brewing terms

Yeast - weird shit.

Bacteria - more weird shit.

Wild yeast - fucking weird shit.

Starter - weird shit, fucking.

Pellicle - weird shit done by weird shit.

Krausen - Ew! Gross! Just disgusting, man!

Esters - farts done by weird shit.

Carbonation - what the weird shit shits beneath all that weird shit.

Trub - weird shit, asleep, in more weird shit shit.

Secondary Fermentation - Weird Shit 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Beer/wine/cider/mead - what's left over after the weird shit gets the shits and shits off. Yum!

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

She was a psychopath who liked scones

"She was a right-wing, awful woman". Sentences like this are just so strange. It's such a non-sequitur. It's a bit like saying "She was a psychopath who liked scones". Or "he was a tyrant who once patted a cat". Of course it is really trying to use "right-wing" as a near synonym for "awful" - it's repetition for rhetorical effect - but it just doesn't work. But can you imagine if people really did use insults like this in parliament? "That's so Liberal of you!" (to a member of the Liberals). "Don't be such a Green." (to one of the Greens), "When did you become so progressive?" (to a Labor member). It's kinda what they were elected to do, after all.

Friday, February 12, 2016

Du schmeckst so gut

Here, with apologies to my vast German audience, is my German verse epic in preparation for Valentine's Day entitled "Du bist mein Lieblingsessen."

Du bist mein Lieblingsessen

Du bist mein Lieblingsessen.
Meinen Obstsalat und Haferbrei
Und (doch, ich habe nicht vergessen!)
Mein Toast mit Butter und ein Ei.

Mein Frühstück, meine Hauptmahlzeit,
Meinen Kaffee, Meinen Porter,
Mein Scheschisches Himmelreich,
Und jetzt, meine Schwarzwälder Kirschtorte.

Du schmeckst so gut, mein erst, mein Wurst,
Mein Tomate rot, mein Milch und Brot,
Meinen Hunger, meinen Durst
Du bist, immer und so immer fort.


UPDATE! - It has come to my attention that I may have made even more lamentable errors in this than I thought I had originally. I will leave the poem up in its current state but it may require a lot more revision before I take it out in company again. 

Self-Valentine poem

"It can be a challenge to wake up on Valentine's Day on your own." 
This weekend two women are doing away with finding love and focusing on self-love. Valentine's Day: Life coach says do away with finding love and instead romance yourself - ABC

A self-Valentine poem

My and myself went out on a date.
He looked in my eyes and he said that "I'm great!" 
I caught at his hand and I whispered "You too!"
So right then I got married to me (as you do).
The wedding was perfect but at the reception
I caught me making love to a mirror's reflection -
We broke up that day. I was sad. He was hot.
And who am I now I'm the man that I'm not?

Sunday, February 07, 2016


If being 'grumpy' were such a bad thing, then why is the word so lovely? People who are really serious about wanting less grumpiness should try to get the word changed to some new and unlovely neologism, the examples of which occur every day in politics and the office. As it is, there is hardly anything nicer than being labelled with such a pleasant and homely word as 'grumpy'; there ought to be more of it.

Friday, February 05, 2016

Never encourage them

Positive heckling: the worst sort of heckling.

Good on you for trying!
We all have to start somewhere! (Before you have even started).
This is the best thing I've heard all second!
Don't feel bad! (Said for no reason at all).
That must have been good for your self-esteem!
Don't listen to them! (No-one has said anything).
Give yourself a pat on the back!
(Breaks into applause as you reach the third line in a 30 line piece).

Encouragement is never something that should be encouraged, people.
Email: timhtrain - at -

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