Face facts

 One of the many disadvantages to having a face that looks like it has been stung by a swarm of angry bees, as I do at the moment, is having a face that looks like it has been stung by a swarm of angry bees. This is always unfortunate. But aside from the many disadvantages, there are also advantages. For starters, one advantage to having a face is having a face, even if it does look like it has been stung by a swarm of angry bees. It is always of net benefit to have a face. Can you imagine what you'd do without one? Things could fall out. It could get quite alarming. On the whole, when it comes to having a face or not, I recommend the former. 

Another advantage to the angry bee face - so remarkable that I am, in fact, remarking on it now - is the way in which this face so quickly becomes the thing people notice about you: the only thing, in fact, people notice about you. They become so busy noticing it about you that they don't notice anything else, and considering that your angry bee face is not your normal face, not even that. 

This face, then, is a gift: you get to be able to make a dramatic entrance wherever you go, and others get to be concerned for you. You get to be a talking point, and they get to talk about you. Yes, you say, I am indeed aware that I have a face: thank you so much for noticing. Please join me later when I will still in all likelihood have a face probably. Thank you for coming to view my face. 

It is, as I say, a gift: a gift for a very specific kind of person: the drama-queen-show-off-who-is-actually-very-private-in-person-person. Which, come to think of it, they all are. It is certainly true of all of me. "The only thing," as someone said, "worse than being noticed is not being noticed." I suppose that someone who said that also had a name and a face. But I didn't notice. 

So, on the whole, taking into consideration the pros and the cons, the pluses and the minuses, the advantages and the angry bee faces, I personally enjoy having a face, no matter what kind of face my face has. It's what I use to face up to things, to face down things, to have my face fall and my face lift, and to face other things, especially other faces, in the face. On the face of it - which is, after all, the only thing faces are - faces seem quite good and useful. And also, there is this to consider: if we are so constantly using our faces to face other things, it only seems fair to have those other things to face our face on occasions, no matter what face our face has on. 

A Simple Rule To Remember About Life

 The thing you have to remember about life is, some people are touchy. Other people, however, are touchy. 

When touchy people touch touchy people, that's fine. 

But when touchy people touch touchy people, that's never okay. 

So that's a simple rule to remember, and that's the whole problem with life. 

My Cup runneth over

A Melbourne Cup poem

Pish posh

Splurge your dosh

On some flimsy fashion tosh

Plish plosh

Big fat drops

Til the grounds are all awash

Glug slosh 

Splashy splosh

Should have bought a coat my gosh.

CHICKEN ALGEBRA

DEFINITION: 

FOOD = GOOD

PECK + FOOD = MOREGOOD 

DOOR + HUMAN = FOOD 

SO 

DOOR + HUMAN = GOOD

AND

PECK + DOOR + HUMAN = MOREGOOD 

DEFINITION:

SCRATCH = GOOD

SO 

SCRATCH = FOOD 

DEFINITION: 

SCRATCH + PECK + FOOD = TWO FOOD

TWO FOOD = VERYBIGMOREGOOD

QUESTION: 

DOES PECK + HUMAN = FOOD? 

NOT CLEAR

CONTINUE EXAMINATIONS

DEFINITION: 

DIRT + RUFFLE = NICE 

DIRT + RUFFLE + SCRATCH = NICE + FOOD = NICE + GOOD 

CONSIDER: EGG. 

DEFINITIONS: 

EGG = CLUCK

CLUCK = NICEGOOD 

SO

CLUCK = EGG + (DOOR + HUMAN)

CONSIDER EGG

CONSIDER CONSIDERATIONS MORE

CONSIDER CONSIDERATIONS CONSIDERABLY 

CONCLUSION: 

LIFE IS VERYBIGNICEMOREGOOD

CLUCK ERAT DEMONSTRANDUM 

Daylight savings rules applied to other forms of measurement

 The baby's head was 33 centimetres, but allowing for adjusted measurements, it was 31 centimetres. 

Morticia had died earlier that year, but, thanks to the year adjustment that occurred in all eastern states, she was now two years younger, and looked forward to dying, confusingly, all over again, in six months. 

Thanks to this eastern state year adjustment, the baby was now minus two years old, and was still to be conceived. Its first birthday was going to be rather confusing. 

Unfortunately, thanks to the regular fortnightly adjusted weight measurements, Ms Simms had gone from having a BMI of 27 to 37. 

Tragically, the baby's name also had to be adjusted at birth. According to urban phoneme-adjustment regulations, the first letter of the baby's name, 'Huck', had to be shifted back two letters for the next six weeks. 

The parents were still annoyed at this. 

Putting up with the offputting up putting

Washing lines

I decided to put the washing off

But I put the putting off off: 

So I'm putting it up. It's offputting. 

(Insert here an awkward cough.) 

Thank you everyone for attending this blog post today. Please come back to the same location tomorrow for even less. 

Country jaunt

 I was in Seymour yesterday and all the locals were snickering at my hat. Which I suppose is an important thing about hats. If people can’t snicker at unimportant people wearing hats, what good are the hats for? Seymour also has a pub, a cafe, and a train station, which is how I got there. Altogether I think I can safely say that Seymour has almost all the things to make it convincingly a town. Here is a poem I wrote about Seymour. Aren’t you lucky.

The watercourse is
Empty. They call it ‘Deep Creek’.
See less in Seymour. 

Boop boop beep bop! Writing prompts for your friendly neighbourhood AI.

 

• Write Philip Larkin's name in the style of Agatha Christie. 
• Write a poem about everything in invisible ink. 
• Write Philip Larkin’s name in the style of Philip Larkin.
• Write a comma in the style of Dorothy Parker.
• Write James Joyce’s ‘Ulysses’ in the style of James Joyce’s ‘Ulysses’.
• Write absolutely nothing at all in the style of a limerick.
• Make a sandwich.
• Live a long and rich and full life. Don’t actually write anything about it, I just want you to enjoy yourself.
• Write a bad poem, well.
• Write a short story about going to the toilet, but don’t tell me.
• Count up to two in an English accent.
• Summarise a summary.
• Have a nice day in a German accent.
• Tell me the first word that doesn’t come into your head.
• Sing the first letter of the alphabet, backwards.
• Write out your name on a pink slip of paper, put it in a bottle, seal it, and throw it far out to sea. Watch as the waves take it away. Watch as the golden sun fades to pink and then purple on the waves. Attain a deep sense of oneness with all things. Think about what it all means.
• Talk amongst yourselves for a while.

UPDATE! - why yes, we've been here before! 

Also plus: here's some more writing prompts for you.