The Gospel According To Tim

This guest post is by God. Frankly, I'm not sure about his style - he has a terrible habit of starting his sentence with 'And', if you ask me. Nevertheless, I think you'll agree, his subject's an important one.

GOD REVIEWS THE AUSTRALIAN IDOL FINALS

1) And it came to pass, in the days following Dicko's reign, that a man known as Sandilands did walk the earth, crying, "Yea, verily! Thou art fat!" and, "Wanna make somethin' of it, Holden, you bitch?"

2) And the people were sore oppressed.

3) And in that time did many people walk the earth, singing, "I am the true Idol!" And verily, many did not know what to think; and they did scratch their heads and say, 'Who to choose?'

4) "For Emily," said the Teenage Girls, "hath natural talent, and verily, she is black: and she hath been sore oppressed. Yea, she is the true Idol, or I be a monkey's uncle."*

5) And then the Gays of all the land did lift up their voices and cry, "No! We picketh Katie DeAraugo to be our True Idol! For she hath flair and a natty sense of rhythm for a white girl from Bendigo. Plus, she's cute!"

6) And so the people came together, and the Teenage Girls did txt, "OMG! EMLY 4VA!!!!!" And the Gays, seeing this, did txt in, "EMLY SUX!!!! KA-T RLZ!!!! TRST US, WE R GAY!!!"
Then darkness fell upon the land, and Andrew G. wept.

7) Then upon a Monday did that other guy, (not Andrew G.) come forth, and proclaim, "The 3rd Australian Idol is Katie DeRaugo!"
And verily, she did open her mouth then, and sing to them, "Listen to your heart," or "Angels bought me here", or some such tune. I knoweth not: for I kind of tuned out at that point. And people looked upon her, and saw that it was so.

8) And then she ascended and became part of the Holy Trinity, alongside Sebastian and Donovan. And the people did rejoice to know that the true Idol was among them, for a year at least (notwithstanding the vagaries of the Music Charts.)

9) Upon hearing of this news, the Teenage Girls did weep, and the Gays did point and laugh, crying, "Ha! Suck shit, bitch!" But the Teenage Girls waited until their parents were out of the room, and took out a picture of Guy Sebastian, and their Cleo Dildo: and they rejoiced.

10) And as for me, I looked upon the earth, and I was sore depressed. So then I went and tormented a family of Mormons with thunderbolts. And that made me feel a little better: but not much.

HERE ENDETH THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO TIM

*This gospel endorseth not the theory of evolution.