Unspeakable! Unimaginable! Unfolding! Underpants!

Man who suffers unspeakable tragedy speaks about it

Mr Oggleden Oggleby's life in Melbourne's north-eastern suburbs was just an ordinary tragedy - until the unspeakable struck! Now, Mr Oggleby has agreed to speak about the unspeakable tragedy of his life to this paper.

"It was absolutely ineffable... indescribable... absolutely, utterly, unsayable," says Mr Oggleby, who works three days a week as a telemarketer for the deaf-mute community.

The unfolding unspeakable tragedy occurred on the morning of Saturday, when Mr Oggleby attempted to call his mother: "but the phone lines were down! I couldn't speak to anyone at all! It was unspeakably horrific!"

Further details in Mr Oggleby's unspeakably unfoldingly indescribable tragedy will soon be described in detail, in book form. However, Mr Oggleby is currently speaking about his unspeakable tragedy to audiences as part of a speaking tour. When we asked him about that, he said, "I'm not speaking about that."

INSIDE THE PAPER: Unimaginable disasters that could happen to you!
We sketch out, in every detail, unimaginable disasters that you don't want to happen to you, and the unbelievable horror that you will feel when what you don't want to happen to you unimaginably happens!