Thing

THE PEOPLE'S REVOLUTIONARY PARTY AGAINST THE GLOBAL CAPITALIST HEGEMONY OF OPPRESSOR JACKIE-APPEAR-IN-EVERY-GARDENING-MAGAZINE-THAT-EVER-WAS-WRITTEN-AND-EVER-WILL-BE-WRITTEN-OH-DID-YOU-SEE-MY-ARTICLE-IN-BACKYARD-GARDENER-FRENCH IS HEREBY CALLING FOR A BLOODY UPRISING AGAINST THE OPPRESSOR.

FOR FAR TOO LONG WE, THE SUFFERING PEOPLE OF THIS EARTH WHO JUST HAPPEN TO PICK UP A GARDENING MAGAZINE LYING AROUND TO HAVE A LOOK THROUGH WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN WE SEE JACKIE-OH-LOOK-ON-PAGE-FIFTY-FOUR-ANOTHER-QUIET-AND-UNOBTRUSIVE-COLUMN-BY-ME-FRENCH HAVE SUFFERED FROM THIS OPPRESSOR'S TERRIFYING DEVASTATION. IT IS TIME WE ROSE AS ONE BEFORE WE INEVITABLY HAPPEN TO PICK UP YET ANOTHER GARDENING MAGAZINE IN THE TOILET AND LEAF THROUGH IT AND OH LOOK THERE OH NO LOOK AWAY PLEASE TELL ME IT'S NOT YES IT IS BLOODY HELL JACKIE-MODEST-AND-UNASSUMING-PAY-ME-PER-WORD-PLEASE-HEY-DID-YOU-KNOW-I-ALSO-HAVE-WRITTEN-SEVERAL-BESTSELLING-BOOKS-TOO-YOU-CAN-BUY-THEM-IN-ALL-BAD-BOOKSTORES-FRENCH INVARIABLY AND HORRIFYINGLY MAKES HER PRESENCE KNOWN YET AGAIN.

WHY MUST WE ENDURE THIS TORMENT ANY LONGER? BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE, WE MUST PREVENT ANY MORE APPEARANCES SUCH AS OCCURRED IN THE LATEST EDITION OF EARTH GARDENER ON PAGE 55 OF JACKIE-HELLO-IT'S-JUST-ME-AGAIN-DID-YOU-KNOW-WHAT-A-LOVELY-TIME-I'M-HAVING-IN-MY-GARDEN-LET-ME-TELL-YOU-ALL-ABOUT-IT-OH-AND-BY-THE-WAY-I-HAVE-A-WOMBAT-HOW-WONDERFUL-CACK-VOMIT-BILE-AM-I-FRENCH BEFORE IT IS TOO OH WAIT DID WE ALREADY SAY THAT YES WE DID SORRY. FRIENDS, BROTHERS, COUNTRYMEN, LET US RISE AS ONE AGAINST THE MENACE OF JACKIE FRENCH AND REPLACE HER WITH THE COMMUNIST REVOLUTION! TO ARMS! TO ARMS!

Oh hang on what am I even reading this bloody gardening magazine for????!????!?!?!?