Birds of a feather may flock together, but United Airlines recently shot down one traveler’s request to bring her emotional support peacock on a flight departing Newark Liberty International Airport. Woman denied emotional support peacock on United flight.
Well I say all this emotional support nonsense has got to stop. What next? Emotional support humans?
(SCENE: A busy airport. A long queue of people are filing on to the plane, giving their tickets to the HOSTESS to scan in. MS SPLODGER and her HUMAN approach.)
HOSTESS: (Absent-mindedly). Ticket, please! (Takes ticket). Wait a minute. What's that you've got with you?
MS SPLODGER: Oh, this? (Indicates HUMAN). I hope you don't mind. That's just my Emotional Support Human.
MS SPLODGER: Don't worry! It's quite tame, and native to this area! There's a little colony of humans not far from here.
HOSTESS: I'm sorry. We have a strict rule. No animals on this flight.
MS SPLODGER: Oh, I simply can't travel without my human! I get terribly anxious. (Pats it behind ears.)
HUMAN: (Begins making noises) I will be ready to produce the reports by Monday! I love the sunshine but am depressed by the rain. How awesome is healthy eating? Lets action that after our meeting!
MS SPLODGER: Look! (Giggles). It's so cute. It's like the sounds it makes almost mean something!
HOSTESS: That's lovely, Ms Splodger, but we really can't. Some of other passengers might have allergies.
HUMAN: I really like having a beer with my mates!
MS SPLODGER: (Face falls). What am I supposed to do with it? It's domesticated! I can't just leave it out in the wild.
HOSTESS: Do you have someone who can take care of it until you get back?
MS SPLODGER: Oh, my uncle I suppose, but really...
HOSTESS: (Voice lowering) Look, I'm really not supposed to do this, but we have a seat ready on the next flight. I'll arrange for you to have it. It's in an hour so it won't set you back too much. Your human is adorable, but we can't have it weeing on the floor of the plane. The company won't allow it. Can you get your uncle to come in and take care of it?
HUMAN: I often vote for the Greens in Parliament!
MS SPLODGER: (Crestfallen) I suppose so. (Takes ticket off hostess and leaves with HUMAN).
HUMAN: Hard work is the key to success! Let's watch I'm a Celebrity on television tonight! Do you like coffee? (etc etc).
(The HOSTESS is now approached by an ELEPHANT in an ant suit and an ANT in an elephant suit.)
HOSTESS: (Takes tickets from them, scans them in and gives them back). Thank you.... enjoy your flight!
(ANT makes lame imitation elephant noise and ELEPHANT makes a far-too-loud ant noise in response).
Fig 1: A 'human'.