Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Things Every Little Boy Should Know

Wrote this piece at Christmas with my brother, just after we saw our nephew. His mum won't even let the poor kid play in sandpits, she's so worried about what might happen.
Sent it through to Vibewire, but they still haven't published it.
Thanks to Kathryn for helping with some suggestions about 'making little girls cry'.

Things Every Little Boy Should Know

I saw my nephew this Christmas, and I've got to say, being a kid nowadays is hard. In order to help him enjoy his childhood to its full (and, like me, continue enjoying it right into his late twenties), I've put together this handy guide. It's called 'Things Every Little Boy Should Know'.

1. All About Thumping

- Who To Thump

People smaller than you

Who Not To Thump

People bigger than you

- Exceptions

People the same size as you. These are kind of a grey area. I recommend that you gang up and go and do something nice and peaceful, like burning ant’s nests with magnifying glasses.

2. Dirt, and What It's Good For

- A Wonderful Thing

Dirt is a wonderful thing, even if your mother doesn't like it. You can play in it, make sand castles in it, and shove other kids faces in it. But the best thing about dirt is this: it gets you dirty. And what could be better than that?

- Dirt Pies

Dirt Pies are one of the many culinary delights that can be enjoyed as a child, and yet another one of the many benefits of dirt. (For more information, see 'Nutritional Matters', below)

- How Dirty Is Too Dirty?

There is no such thing as too dirty. Period. If your mother says otherwise, refer her to a copy of Dr. A. Grachenstein's classic scientific text on the matter, '1001 Wonderful Things About Dirt'.

3. Nutritional Matters

- Taking Candy Off Babies

Babies are really really annoying and tend to poo their pants a lot. But they're one of the facts of life, and since they're here, you should learn what you can get out of them. So, what can babies do for you? The answer to that is simple: they can give you candy. Candy, as every kid knows, is part of the five major food groups: Chocolate, soft drink, hot dogs, icecreams, and chips. It's an essential part of every kids diet, and it would actually be very bad for your health if you didn't have it three times every day. Trust me, it's a proven scientific fact.

Anyway, taking candy off babies is easy. Here's how you do it:

1) Go up to the baby

2) Take away it's candy

3) Eat the candy.

The really great thing about taking candy off babies is that they can't complain to their mothers. This makes it alright.

- Some Great Recipes

Dirt Pies

These are really easy to make. Take dirt, add some water, and eat. If you are feeling generous, you can also throw a dirt pie in a little kids face.


Like Dirt Pies, but with added Worms.

Fried Snotballs

1) Take some snot

2) Fry it

3) Add a pinch of salt

4) Enjoy!

Vegemite, Syrup, Tomato Sauce, and Hot Dog Smoothie

Let's face it: these are all great foods on their own, so together, they taste - even better! Toss all the ingredients in the blender with some milk and turn on. Drink with some friends, or on your own!

Cornflake Pizza

This is a really classy recipe which was taught to me by some Italian kid. Basically, you take a pizza base, add cornflakes, weetbix, muesli, and any of your other favourite meals. Then add the normal pizza ingredients - bacon and cheese. Stick it in the oven until the cheese is melted. Share with the whole family!

- Red Cordial: How Much Is Too Much?

There's nothing I like better each afternoon than to get together with some mates and drink some red cordial. But the problem with drinking is this: how much is too much? You've got to admit, cordial can do some pretty weird things to a kid. Once me and my brother Lachlan got together and drunk twenty cups of red cordial in a row, and went down the street singing 'We All Should Do, a Smelly Smelly Poo' and it was all good fun at the time, but we woke up with a shocking hangover in the morning and a partial memory loss. Plus the old granny next door gives us a weird look every time we go past.

Still, cordial is one of the joys of life and can be had in moderation. Here's a quick guide to some of the more common cordials:

Lemon Cordial (or yellow cordial)

This is a classic, and can be enjoyed in medium quantities

Green Cordial

This stuff is a bit weirder, and you have to be pretty careful about how much you drink.

Red Cordial

Another classic, and pretty good if you don't drink too much.

Blue cordial

This is pretty far out sh*t, man, and we recommend you stay away from it. I once knew this Mexican kid who drunk blue cordial every day and night, and it did some pretty weird things to him. He was a nice enough guy, but one day he drunk three cups of blue cordial in a row, and started dancing down the street, saying that he'd seen God. I never saw him again.

We recommend you stick with the soft drinks, like Fanta and Coke, and only drink the heavy 'joy-juice' on special occasions.

4. Making People Cry

- Words That Make Your Mother Cry

The following are words that will make your mother cry.




Penis, Penisbreath, Penishead, Penisbrain, or any other variation on this theme

Poo, Poop, Plop


Bum, Bottom

Boob, Booby, Boobiferous, Boobarama

Not that we're saying you should use them or anything, but hey - why not?

- How To Make Little Girls Cry

Little girls are pretty annoying, and tend to cry a lot. But making them cry is usually pretty funny, and you can do this in a great variety of ways. These include:

- Calling them names

- Squashing beetles, ants, and other little animals (or do what my

brother Lachlan does, and through rocks at Galahs).

- Flicking pieces of snot at them in the schoolroom

- Poke your tongue out at them

- Break their Barbie Doll

- Tell them they look like one of the Olsen Twins – the fat one.

On the other hand, they do tend to have bigger brothers who will thump you if you make them cry. Plus they have girl germs. I recommend you should stay away from them, or if you do want to make them cry, wear protective clothing, like gloves. And only do it once a week. Just look at me. I'm over 25 years old, and I still put on my gloves whenever I go near a girl. It hasn't failed me yet.

By Tim Train (with help from Lachlan Train)


Texas Gurl said...

Things to make girls cry:
Indian Burns
Pulling their hair
Pulling down your pants

Sayings that work:
Use to cut in line. Go up to the person you want to cut in front of (choose a person smaller than you) and say- "What do scissors do?" When they respond with "cut", make your move, as they've INVITED you to cut in front of them.

Things that 'piss' your mom off:
Running with scissors, pointy end up
Running with a lollipop in your mouth
Eating dog food


Anonymous said...

Listen here, you little booger...

You forgot to mention kissing dogs (under what will make your mother weep). But I'm not talking the nice sweet family pooch, I'm talking the vicious mean dog down the street... I'm telling you, your mom will be hysterical! But be careful not to get your nose bitten off. (So fake the kiss and try to be far enough away from both your mom and the dog so that it can still look like you're really doing it.)

Oh. And if you want to stay home from school for a day or two, a surefire way to make yourself ill is to eat a sandwich with toothpaste slathered on top. You'll be puking in no time, I guarantee it. I invented this, because my mom was a nurse and I had to be oozing either blood or some other fluids from some/most/all of my orifices in order to stay home.

- Redsaid (who else?)

TimT said...

Mmmm, dog food pate.... ahhh, toothpaste sandwich.... should have added them to the recipes!
Actually, when I read some of this out to Mum during the holidays, she said she didn't want me to publish it! So shhh, if she knows I did put this up on my blog, she probably will cry...!

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