Sunday, December 16, 2012

My super-reliable guide to everything about everything

I am toying with the idea of writing a Guide to Everything about Everything. It will be like those booklets that you get with your brand new computer, your brand new phone, your brand new coffee machine, and your brand new everything else, except that you will be able to understand it. It might even work. None of that 'insert item N into socket F3' crap; it will be full of practical tips such as the following:

1. Go up to television.
2. Thump it.
3. If television does not work, thump it again, harder.
4. Repeat until television works.

This particular method, perfected over many years of practical experience in the televisual watching trade, has served me well many a time. It will be fully fleshed out with details:

1. If your television is getting a bad signal maybe it is because someone is standing in the room interrupting the flow of the television signal. It's like feng shui, or something like that. Anyway, get them to stand in a different part of the room and the television reception should clear up nicely. If necessary, get the person to remain in that position for as long as your show is on.

Essentially, my position is that the professional booklets distributed to aid users of these products needlessly complicate matters. If your phone isn't working, why worry about connections and circuitry and chargers and stuff like that when really, all you need to do to make the phone work is shout at it? That's all right, that question was rhetorical ,which means you don't have to answer that. And so what if a particular key on the keyboard of your computer isn't working? You just have to press it harder. And harder. And harder. And even harder, until it keeps working, or until your computer explodes, and don't worry, that hardly ever happens.

Other methods include:
- Firmly staring at something until it feels so ashamed of itself that it does the right thing.
- Jiggling something about/throwing it at the wall/chucking it up and down to make it work.
- Throwing objects at it. 

If, after all these comprehensive and focused efforts, your television still doesn't work, I have an alternative to my alternative: take the screen out of the television, gut the circuitry out of it, put a pot plant in there with some string hanging off it, put the cat in there too - and I guarantee you, you won't even want to change channels all night. 

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