Sunday, January 13, 2008

How to tell if your work colleague is a Care Bear

After writing that last post, I got thinking. How can you tell if your work colleague actually is a Care Bear? In this open, modern society we work with all sorts of people, animals, and things, some of which are bound to be small brightly-coloured animals with a penchant for singing happy songs and performing acts of magic. And, while there is certainly nothing wrong with working in close quarters with a Care Bear, it would be interesting to know the numbers behind it. To that end, I have devised a short survey. To wit...

Part 1 (Multiple choice)

1. in the morning, when your colleague arrives at work, they...
a) Slouch wearily towards the kitchen, muttering to themselves as they stumble into every chair in the office on their way.
b) Greet you with a wild glare of their bloodshot eyes, and sheer, 'At lunch, you will DIE!' at you.
c) Cry happily and rush around the office, kissing everybody/piece of furniture/random object in their way.
d) Skip merrily towards their desk, and lovingly greet each and every one of their clients over the phone.

2. Another colleague is becoming difficult to work with. The suspected Care Bear colleague...
a) Does not raise a fuss, as they are sleeping on their keyboard.
b) Sends them death threats over the office email system, every minute or so.
c) Is not bothered, as they are busy staring at the ceiling, screaming, "I can sing a rainbow!"
d) Cheerily gets on with their work in a productive and efficient manner.

3. You swear over the photocopier, causing your colleague to...
a) Drool on their keyboard.
b) Raise their fingers into a pistol position, poiint them at you, and click.
c) Begin eating their computer.
d) Dance around the office, singing "Everyone has feelings! Feelings are okay!" while magical animated flowers bloom and plastic birds fly around them.

4. When greeting an important client in person, your colleague...
a) Barely opens their eyes, mutters incomprehensibly, scratches their bottom, and perhaps blows their nose on the clients coat.
b) Does a Ted Bundy impersonation.
c) Tries to fly out the window, shouting, "I can fly! Really! I can fly!"
d) Cries, "My innards are made out of polystyrene! How may we help you?"

5. In work meetings, they meet all disputes by...
a) Taping their eyes open and gluing their face into an interested position.
b) Bringing out the battle axes.
c) Depends - it alternates between them weeping softly and cooing like a baby whenever they catch sight of the painting on the wall opposite.
d) Radiating happy rainbows out of their tummy until everyone at the meeting agrees to donate all their savings to a charity for third-world orphaned chimneysweep puppies.

Part 2 (What statement is your client likely to make in any given situation?)
1) You'll never get away with this... a) ... after all, you're just a lousy part-time administrative assistant, and I'm the PR manager!

b) ... you big, bad Professor Coldheart!
2) It's never too late if you... a) ... do all the accounting correctly!

b) ... care enough!
3) Thanks to you, we have just lost this client!a) You're FIRED!

b) Let's HUG!
4) If anyone requires me after hours, I can be contacted at... a) My email address, or my mobile number, which are as follows ...

b) ... Careland, Cloud Five, just over from Fluffy Bunny World!
5) Although my brains are made out of recycled styrofoam... a) I promise to be extra-specially efficient in my job!

b) I still love you!


MOSTLY A's: Your colleague is definitely not a Care Bear. They could probably do with a bit more coffee, though.

MOSTLY B's: Again, probably not a Care Bear. Your colleague is clearly within the normal range of human behaviour, and you have nothing to worry about. Apart from the death threats and the constant fear, of course.

MOSTLY C's: This one's a little ambiguous: your colleague is either very, very, very high on hallucinogenic drugs, or a very, very, very depressed Care Bear. Either way, it should make for a fun and amusing working environment!

MOSTLY D's: Definitely Care Bear territory, which is cool, unless you possess any of the qualities of A, B, or C, above.


MOSTLY A's: Not Care Bear at all. Just sadly, sickeningly dedicated to their job.

MOSTLY B's: A Care Bear. Did I hear you say it was time to start looking for a new job?


Shelley said...

Ugh. Hate happy-at-work people - they're obviously insane. Actually, they might just have better jobs than me. In which case they work for a better company then me (though seriously, knowing someone has gonorrhea before they do has its own joys). I know it's a better company because most of the people in my work hate the place and the fucking idiots in charge.
Er. *insert something about care bears here*

TimT said...

Yeah, sorry about the Care Bear obsession, Nails. Back to regular service shortly.

Shelley said...

I wonder what regular service is?

No need to apologise. Blogs are all about the weird soft toy obsession thing, right?

TimT said...

Granted, yeah, though the type and use of the soft toy varies somewhat from blog to blog.

Shelley said...

Not me though, I'm all about the live fish.

colonel eggroll said...

Great quiz Timt! I thoroughly enjoyed it. Fortunately for me there are no care bears where I work, just coffee guzzling college students. If a care bear comes from another department they are greeted with death looks and much sarcasm.

TimT said...

Live fish.

Is it even better than Futurama?

TimT said...

Lol, greetings Colonel! A relief to hear that. We should be relaxed and tolerant about Care Bears in the workplace, of course. (I wonder if it would be racism not to?)

Shelley said...

Perhaps it would be plushieism?

Nothing beats Futurama.

lauren said...

as molly from annie said, "oh my goodness, oh my goodness! "

i don't know why i haven't been on this blog before, but this post made me laugh so hard i almost burst!

great blog (plushie business and all)!

Email: timhtrain - at -

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