Spork off!

Sporks, foons, and splayds. Why were such horrible things ever invented? You have to wonder why people couldn't be satisfied with good old knives, forks, and spoons, which had the virtue of simplicity, but instead branched out and began delving into the occult world of sporks, spifes, knorks, and sporfs. It can't be long before we are overwhelmed with a whole alphabet of cutlery - of splocks and flingets and soup skewers and bloonders and knidgets and witchles and gnurtles and splodgers and electric nodgels, with roaming GPS capabilities. Yes, in this brave new world of plishes and glates and fnowls you won't even know whether you're supposed to bring a spife to foon fight or a spork to a spatula battle. Besides all which, eating with an item such as a sporf sounds a particularly worrisome and dangerous possibility indeed.

Think of all the trouble your mother and father went to getting you to learn the proper functionality of knife, fork, and spoon when you were a child. In this complicated new existence we are entering into, childhood will be an endless and painful round of dealing with floop goons and dispert gattles, learning the appropriate uses of flolloping goopers and ugg whasks, learning the difference between and the appropriate time to use and the correct placement on the table of and what happens to people who do not learn the correct uses of zogulents and forks. I am confident of this, just as we are all confident of everything about the future, for it is easy to be utterly confident about that which has never happened yet, but certainly will happen at a point long, long after we are dead. In this dire, apocalyptic vision of our future world, existence will be a dire battle over endless fine points of etiquette, indeed. Also, it will be hard to get a good monster cabbage for love or money, or make some decent Triffid pesto because of the protests by the People for the Ethical Treatment of Genetically Modified Organisims (PEGMO).  But mostly, there will be cutlery - oh so much cutlery! IF ONLY WE COULD HAVE LEARNED TO GET ALONG WITH THE SPOONS.

(Cowers whimpering at sight of a spoon on his desk).

Fig one: fiendish instrument of Satan.