Sunday, April 10, 2011

Farty speculations

Not that you probably want to know this, but we walked through a fart last night. Consultation on the matter established without a shadow of a doubt that neither of us were responsible for it; rather, said flatulence was simply there, malingering, in the middle of the traffic island as we crossed the street.

Previously, I had thought vaguely, in that vague way I have of thinking, that once farts are released into the world, they disperse, spread, and are quickly absorbed into the surrounding environment. Not so, according to the olfactory evidence last night: they simply go on and on, around the word, flying hither and yon, a free gaseous spirit, finding fresh noses to grace. What follows from this is rather alarming: everything that everyone has ever farted is continuing around the world now; and the quantity is continue to grow as the amount of people who are farting increase. Pretty soon, it won't be long before the amount of people are overwhelmed by the gathering balls of flatulence, a great apocalypse of wind.

Or - and these thoughts just occur to me now - it was an example of long-range flatulence, a highly targeted emission from a sinister farting sniper; or maybe a case of localised, pre-emptive bottumular emissions, a sulfurous time bomb laid in wait for our attendance. Maybe it was even a time traveling fart!

There is a final possibility that occurred to me: maybe, like the tree that falls in the forest that needs someone to see or hear it fall, the humble fart that travels around the world needs a subjective observer to be verified and fully realised. Maybe without our appreciation it can never exist, and thus as we traveled by, this humble fart was finally satisfied, and could vanish in - well, not in a puff of smoke, because that's already what it was, but - a lack of a puff of smoke? Yeah, one of those.


Steve said...

Tim, maybe it was not a fart, but a brush with a paranormal event. I've mentioned this at my blog before: UFOs and things like yowie encounters have quite often been noted as being accompanied by a foul, rotten, sulphuric type smell. This fitted in quite well with active believe in visits from the devil in centuries past. I assume the problem with yowies and bigfoot is that they simply don't bathe often enough, but why a UFO sighting should have an olfactory component is anyone's guess.

Anyhow, consider yourself lucky: you might have walked nearby a portal to Hades and just missed falling into it. Or a yowie might have been standing there haling a taxi just before you got there.

It's important to consider all possibilities.

TimT said...

That's a good point, I'll add them to the list. Speculating about time travelling farts is one thing, but one can't entirely discount the stranger possibilities.

Steve said...

I am disappointed in the apparent lack of interest (if comment numbers are anything to go by) in paranormal farty smells. Yet a post about cats usually attracts quite a lot of activity.

Can you please let us know if your cats start smelling really foul?

TimT said...

Well obviously I'm going to say this post should have more comments, but as to the disparity between this and the cat post... I dunno, do you really find that surprising? Cats and blogs were made for one another after all...

TimT said...

Oh, the request - yeah sure, not that I go around sniffing my cats mind.

Great cat meets dolphin post on your blog yesterday, BTW.

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