Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Aspirational junk food

There are some people who would happily sit in their local fruit energy drink store while they wait for their protein-enhanced organically-boosted oxidiser-charged proton-nullified magnetised-depolyethylinised cup of banana smoothie to be delivered, reading a sheet of laminated paper full of advertisements for gyms that are slightly-too-expensive-for-them-to-afford, and watch as the barista merrily sculpts the tiny grass growing out of a tub on their table top with a pair of nail scissors. I am not one of those people.

Don't get me wrong. I like caffeine as much as the next addict. But bloody hell! Have you seen the amount of fruit drinks they have in cafe fridges? Such a diversity of choice is there that every time I walk into a cafe and gaze upon the panoply on offer, I am overwhelmed by one thought, and one thought alone: 'I like Milo'!

The principle concern of drink manufacturers these days seems to be making their drinks seem accessible, attractive, and available - to wankers. So great is this wanker demographic, that each drink has a label, title, and list of ingredients so arranged as to attract the eyes of these wankers. They probably have textbooks on appealing to the Inner Wanking Powers inherent in every customer. Branding is all important, for wankers. Some names and descriptions of drinks follow, accompanied by a short translation:

This name is so annoying, that if I carry it around I will seem like a witty wanker to other witty wankers who want to seem like witty wankers!

I'm the drink for people who don't want other people to think they drink bottled water and aren't afraid to not admit it!

ORGANIC! _______ [Please insert the terms: 'Lemonade', 'Raspberry', 'Lime' after that title depending on whether it looks yellow, red, green, or mud-coloured]
Organic soft drink - just like normal soft drink, only shit!

I look like ordinary orange juice, apple juice, etc, but I'm tagged a 'smoothie'. I also have weird oxidants and other stuff in me. This seems foolish because I am bought by fools. Why not be another fool and buy me?

Aspirational junk food: it's junk food for people who want to look healthy and happy and virtuous, but don't want to put any actual effort into it.


Anonymous said...

Nudie Juice tastes very good though. If you like lots of pulpy stuff. And lots of weird combinations of fruit.

I have become to both the thin juice and the pulpy taste. This come from forgetting to shake the bottle often, so the first half is very thin and then the bottom bit is mostly pulp.

Over the years ... it's an acquired taste.

TimT said...

'It's an aquired taste' is what my mum says to me every time she feeds me prunes. Thirty one years and I still haven't acquired it...

What really gets me is the brand names. They never call orange juice 'orange juice' anymore. It's got to be branded and copyrighted and full of oxidants and what not.

Alexis, Baron von Harlot said...

None of this would have happened under socialism.

TimT said...

Not prunes. I love prunes. If mum chose to feed me prunes I'd scoff 'em down. I meant to say every time mum feeds me SPROUTS! Gah!

Very true, my goodly Baron. Time the cafe had a side serving of gulag with every smoothy purchased, methinks.

Tim said...

The wankers have even infiltrated the previously-non-wanky world of beer. The beer fridges are full of "low carb" beers and "green" beers (carbon off-set - not to mention taste off-set.) Beer for wankers, in other words.

Shelley said...

Low carb beer makes me want to cry. You just don't fuck with beer.

Oh and the vitamin water thing, wtf? Nothing screams loser more than that stuff. Deluded loser at that.

The Topiary Cow said...

Topiary admits to preferring water. From the hose.

Sprinkled liberally, especially in hot weather.


TimT said...

One longs for the day when beer was just sawdust and testosterone, with a little alcohol for flavouring. Now it's come up in the world, and I feel down.

VITAMIN water? Sounds hideous. Good thing I haven't been paying attention.

Nick Crumbedprawn said...

A friend of my ex-wife's came up with the name Nudie juice. She received a fat bonus from the ad agency she worked for.*

*This is not at all funny because it is not a joke. (And because it is not at all funny).

Maria said...

That sounds wonderful! If only we could all do similarly, Nick. Unfortunately I do come up with names for products, but they tend to be names for imagined, would-be products which no one would or does ever buy even in the imagined world in which they exist, which tend to only end up being unfunny "jokes" on my blog or email ramblings if they end up being anything at all.

It's a pity nobody pays nice fat bonuses for that.

rely said...

koupit ridicsky prukaz brno
koupit ridicsky prukaz
koupit legalni ridicsky prukaz
rijbewijs kopen
comprare patente

Email: timhtrain - at -

eXTReMe Tracker

Blog Archive